i can't read any more about natural birth. i don't want to read, see, or talk to anyone who is going to shake my resolve- no more articles, books, or birth stories. i don't want to run across someone's offhand comment at the bottom of an article about how their doctor didn't listen to them in the hospital or one more negative opinion about crunchy hippie births. i don't want any extra thoughts going into my mind in this last month that aren't completely positive. i feel vulnerable. the only things i can handle right now are reading my bradley book over and over and, now, reading dooce's birth story.
all of a sudden the past few days i feel hyper-emotional about the whole thing, which is really very unlike me. i'm on edge, wondering if i can really do this. all my energy is going inward focused on preparing myself for what's going to happen. i tear up thinking about how desperately i'm going to need jon's support. i'm tearing up now just writing that out in real words. if we're lucky enough that nothing goes wrong that needs medical intervention i wonder if i can handle it. i know that i will need to be stronger than i have ever had to be before. it feels like a delicate balance, flip flopping between moments when i feel super determined and times when i feel like i need all the outside support i can get to bolster my resolve. and you know, pregnant people are crazy (uh yeah, clearly). so by tomorrow i *might* feel totally different. but for the past three nights i dream over and over about going into labor so obviously i'm a little concerned, and at least for today the stress seems very overwhelmingly stressful.
every night i sit on the floor for hours at a time doing pelvic stretches and sitting in tailor pose. in my entire life i've never been able to touch my toes and now i do it every night. that's amazing, because i'm seriously one of the least flexible people ever. i'm working hard to make this happen. if sheer will and determination are enough, i can do this.