ooh! look!

william h macy (see here) got his own special "how to act" flow chart on cracked!

friday finds

this week i'm using all items that we've put on our baby wish list, including Snuffins the Puff Ball Doggie (whom jon hates). is that cheating? too bad!

happy friday, internet.

why is it only the boys?

something i've repeatedly come across in reading pregnancy articles and talking to other women is the idea that fathers bond at birth while women bond with the baby during pregnancy. and that makes logical sense to me. but if i hear one more person tell me, "oh well, your husband probably won't like the baby at first but by the time it learns to talk, then he'll like it."

first of all, i think this is pretty demeaning to men in general. well they're men right, they can't possibly have regular emotions. on another level i don't see why it is only men that get off the hook here. the truth is i am excited to have a kid, not a screaming crying infant. i'm just not a stare-into-baby-face cry-over-baby-clothes kind of girl. and i'm not going to be unless i get a lobotomy.

this article i read today over at babble says that guess what baby worshipers... i'm not alone. some women don't magically just love their screaming wiggling baby. it takes time, and work.

i'm far less worried about jon liking our baby than i am about me liking our baby. because he isn't a caveman. and because infants are really not that exciting until they start learning stuff. the idea that he can't become attached to the small thing that we have produced just because he is a man is flat out stupid; and the idea that just because i am a woman i'm going to burst into tears and songs of love is just not realistic. not that i'm not going to be thrilled, and happy, and devoted, but i'm not going to turn into a whole other person. yeah, our baby will be awesome. the end.

i'm sorry your husband didn't like your kid until it was a toddler. what do you want me to do, throw you a pity party? and i'm glad you love cutesy sweetsie babies with their precious outfits and jammies and whatnot, but i like things that can talk. and yes, i'm sure that this is a very special amazing time in our lives, etc etc etc. it would be extra special if you would shut up.

come on. lay off the weird talk, people. you're talking to someone who's favorite word is cocksucker. i'm a realist and a cynic. i'm excited, what else do you want from me?

the times, they go by

another super busy week at work. too busy to pay any attention to you, internet... come on you know that's not true.

this week: i can't stop eating annie's organic cheese bunnies. all i watch is NCIS. i can't get warm, i am always cold. i have bangs. yeah, i know... bangs. still trying to adjust to that. i have to wear my bella band every day now. last night we left our steak 'n shake milkshakes (mostly empty) on the coffee table and we woke up at 5 am to the sounds of nico eating them. and their styrofoam cups.

i am excited that we might be going to pittsburgh the weekend after my birthday. i am excited about my upcomming birthday because i want to eat cake. i am not excited about cleaning the house this week. i read a long and disturbing series of articles about how doctors sometimes mistreat pregnant women. maybe i'll expand on that later.

question: what happens when you are really annoyed by a real-life friend on twitter? you still like that person when you're together, but they only twitter about stupid things that annoy you... should you un-follow them, or just tough it out?

in conclusion: i would like to go back to sleep now please. and i'll leave you with this, courtesy of engrish.com which had me laughing all morning:

because today was the best day

hello baby, there you are!

we got to have an early sonogram today as part of our ultrascreen test, and it was super awesome. the ultrascreen measures the distance between the back of the neck and the skull and is an early indicator of downs/trisomy 18 & 13. we really only did it because..... ULTRASOUND! otherwise we wouldn't have had one until 20 weeks. it was super cool. all the scary parts of the first trimester didn't matter anymore, because dude, that thing is moving!

turns out our baby is a total jerk that won't cooperate at all. first, it was hiding. then when the lady started to measure it, BAM, teh going crazy. it literally flipped upside down on its head and bounced up and down. and up and down. and then they told us that my uterus is at some crazy low angle, which also explains my super back pain.

ok- this one is hard to see: in the lower middle there is a circle blobo with two eye spots. and then above it is the body with the arms and legs crossed over it like a little straight jacket. that is our baby, dancing on its head straight up and down. take that ultrasound technician! luckily the ladies seemed to think it was funny that our baby kept trying to escape while they were measuring it.

in conclusion: super awesome. this has definitely been the best day so far. it has been pretty surreal since i haven't gotten very sick or had many symptoms, etc. and it's amazing to me to see real proof that our parasite is in there growing away. and being a jerk. the technician said in the first picture that it is sticking out its tongue but i don't know how she could possibly see that. sounds cool though.

hair cut

bangs are a little scary.

friday finds

because dooce did it... i can too right?

Dooce did this quiz about your spouse today and if i do it MAYBE SHE WILL ACTUALLY COME HERE AND READ MY BLOG... DIE> FAIL>

What are your middle names?
Mine is Elizabeth, because I was born in the 80's and all baby girls in the 80's had that middle name. Jon's middle name is Paul, just like his two other brothers. Creative parents, huh?

How long have you been together?
We've been together ummm, 8 years last week. Got married about 2 years ago.

How long did you know each other before you started dating?
We got to know each other BY dating. Before that I only stalked him.

Who asked whom out?
I, very creepily, followed him around school and would show up conveniently in the same room wherever he was, and then wait for him to talk to me. That got boring so I made all my friends follow him around and ask him if he would date me. In his senior yearbook I show up in all the "club" pictures of the clubs he was in. And I was in none of them. Pretty embarrassing but I was what like, 17? I was a moron.

How old are each of you?
I'm 24, Jon is 26. If you were here at my office you would say that I'm 10, because apparently people here really think that.

Whose siblings do you see the most?
I have no siblings, so Jon wins by default but really we haven't been seeing any of his brothers or sister regularly lately. We used to spend A LOT of time with his sister, brother-in-law and their boys, but things have changed. And I wish we could spend more time with his other sister and her husband in Pittsburgh, but life is busy. Did I mention he has 8 brothers and sisters whose names all start with J? Yeah. Really.

Which situation is the hardest on you as a couple?
I'm not sure where to go with this one. We had a few hard years in college. I was/am not a great roommate probably due to being an only child so it was quite and adjustment for me to live with other people. He on the other hand is awesome and helpful to live with. Plus at one point we were living with two other people and slept in a hallway. That makes for some awkward times.

Did you go to the same school?
We went to the same high school, but different colleges in the same city. He went to DAAP, which I could never do because it eats my soul, and I went to the Art Academy, where meat is art.

Are you from the same home town?
Yes, both from Indianapolis. The weirdest part was when we figured out that our Dads grew up on the same street and went to the same high school and knew each other.

Who is smarter?
Jon knows more random facts than any other person I've ever met, and he likes to learn things. I like Xbox.

Who is the most sensitive?
Me. He has a heart of stone. Well not really, he just doesn't get all up-in-arms about things like I do.

Where do you eat out most as a couple?
Depends by month. I have some weird obsessive food problems I've discussed here and mostly, Jon rolls with it.

Where is the furthest you two have traveled together as a couple?
We drove to Alaska, alone. It was awesome. My Dad said that if we could do that and survive then we would never need marriage counseling.

Who has the craziest exes?
Probably me, though that was a long time ago. Considering that I've had creepy ex's track me down on myspace (which is why I deleted my account) I think I win.

Who has the worst temper?
Jon. When I get mad I just refuse to talk and do the really annoying woman thing. " No. Nothing's wrong. Everything's FINE." When Jon gets mad it means he is really mad, and then probably yelling.

Who does the cooking?
Jon. He was a restaurant manager. He cooks like a god. I try to take care of most of the dishes in return because he likes to call my cooking "super bland." I'm sorry I like plain pasta, ok? But if there's baking to do, I'm on it.

Who is the neat-freak?
Visual clutter bothers me, but not enough to get up and clean. I'd say we're pretty even. I've learned to accept 50,000 soda cans all over the coffee table and socks and shoes all over the living room floor and those tiny hairs from beard trimming day. In return, I like to think that he doesn't want me to clean because when I put things away I like to make them "safe" which means hide them and never find them again. Damn you 12 packets of Koolaid.

Who is more stubborn?
Pretty even. I hold grudges and he doesn't though. Again, big family versus tiny family.

Who hogs the bed?
We do pretty ok on that front, but I do steal all the blankets. Unless Nico is sleeping with us, then he hogs the bed and we are both sad. Rottweilers the size of people make for a very cramped bed.

Who wakes up earlier?
During the week, Jon. Because he has to go to work much earlier than I do. I schlep out of bed and walk the dogs.

Where was your first date?
Lulu's Electric Cafe off 86th. I ate cake. I was supposed to be writing a paper about the holocaust. I didn't write it until 1am. Somehow I got an A.

Who is more jealous?
Ummmmm, me? I guess.

How long did it take to get serious?
I don't know, we were just best friends then were never not best friends. We didn't have the typical- "Oh well now we're serious" talk or anything. It just fit.

Who eats more?
Him. When I try to compete I get fat.

Who does the laundry?
It's pretty even, especially lately.

Who's better with the computer?
Me. ME. DON'T TOUCH THE COMPUTER JON YOU'RE GOING TO BREAK IT AGAIN.

Who drives when you are together?
Mostly me. We only have one car and I drive it to work and Jon take the bus. But we trade off. Lately that has been hard since apparently being pregnant makes me a very bossy passenger.

public sevice announcement

just so you know, when a woman tells you a story like, "Hey, remember that time I was pregnant and I drooled on my shirt/peed on my skirt/fell down in the mall?" you know what's never ever the right thing to say?

"Oh... well you were enormous."

ugh.

dance off!

yeah, it sorta is like that

yesterday while reading some probably useless pregnancy article online i stumbled across this commentary from some actually insightful reader:

"The weird thing about being pregnant is that during the time that you feel the worst, no one knows or cares. And then when you are feeling better but are gigantic everyone has all kinds of sympathy to offer and asks you how you're feeling."

before i was pregnant i never realized how much of pregnancy takes place before you look "pregnant" or let anyone know. i was a big fan of the wait-till-12-weeks to tell anyone policy in the beginning mostly because i am insanely private. in fact i still haven't told a lot of people. apparently it makes me hyperventilate so i'm avoiding it. when you're experiencing it though it is really strange how you look completely normal but feel like you are out of your mind. i imagine when people see me they think things like this:

· oh, hey! why is that crazy woman puking out the side of her car on the highway?
· i wonder why that woman is crying in the food court?
· why is that woman in target biting that pretzel and glaring at me?
· i wonder why that girl is walking her slow ass on the treadmill while the rest of us are running like horrible speedy gazelles?
· why is that woman screaming with her eyes closed because a soup commercial is on the tv?
· seriously lady, you really need to sit down in IKEA and rest, AGAIN? come on!

at that point there is really no outward excuse for the complete crazy that is trimester 1. and that's why it's weird.

no unsupervised visits

it's official. after last night i am no longer allowed to walk alone in the grocery store. and i don't just mean go there alone, i mean walk off by myself with jon only feet/isles away.

last night we cruised over to the grocery store after work which i had been meaning to do on sunday but was too exhausted to do after painting the baby room. i wrote a list, in advance, of all the things we needed. things like: milk, english muffins, V8 juices, yogurt, and those fancy snacks. yes that was an item on my list, Those Fancy Snacks. luckily, jon figured out that it actually meant annie's organic cheese bunnies.

at one point jon went over to get some fancy cheese for some horrible soup he is intent on making (not because he is a bad cook, i just really hate soup right now) and left me to walk over and get some english muffins. when i walked back to the cart i was carrying: english muffins, a box of zebra cakes, an entire cherry crumble pie, a tiny cherry pie, and a cheese strudel twisted danish. he convinced me to leave some of them behind. then i bought ice cream.

hello internet, nice to meet you

we're having a baby. and nothing could be more important than introducing that baby to the internets as early as possible, right internet? i am 12 weeks along this week, the last week before my second trimester begins (depending on who you listen to). the baby is as big as a lemon this week, and has all its organs and is dancing around and growing bones. weird.

last week we had another doctor visit and we got to hear the heartbeat, which was totally awesome. jon thinks it sounds like "wockawockawockawockawockawocka" so i think we should name it Fozzy Bear. i tried to sell him on caling it Luke so he could run around yelling "LUKE, I AM YOUR FATHER" when it's being bad, but i don't think he thought that was very funny. amazingly (or at least it amazes me) i haven't gained any weight at all but i still can no longer wear my jeans buttoned without excruciating pain. enter, the bella band, the greatest thing ever made besides cake, video games, tv, and domesticated dogs.

because i am crazy, we are already painting the baby room and have bought all kinds of crap to put in it like a giant orange ampersand. yes, a giant orange ampersand. i'm a designer, what else do you want me to say about that? letters are pretty. also probably on the crazy side, i already bought a breast pump on craigslist for a kickin good deal and it's barely used at all.

to make things even more complicated, jon's sister and her husband are also having a baby. with the exact same due date as ours. which is August 31stish fyi. and we found out on the same day. it has been fun and great to have someone to talk to about it all even though our symptoms have been pretty opposite of each other besides our intense need to eat lots of double cheeseburgers (example, she throws up all the time while i feel great but have random crippling back pain).

*note, this is not a picture of our actual baby. our doctor's office only does one ultrasound and it isn't until 20 weeks or so. but who knows, maybe it looks like that. or maybe it has ten arms. i'm just saying...

you can eat it. i plomise.

jon and i popped in pomi's last week because i was craving garlic bread with ranch (we both worked there for many years) and they've changed their carryout boxes. to this.



now having worked there for a long time think we can say pretty confidently that while the food is good, the business decisions they make are totally whacko. this is one of those.

now i'm wondering if this is pizza you can eat, what the hell is the pizza you can't eat? did they really need to label the box "HEY! Edible food inside!"?

the bed that eats people

i had heard of this movie, Death Bed: The Bed that Eats People from one of patton oswald's funniest standup routines (which is worth listening to here). while reading a cracked.com article today i found actual footage of the movie and it makes me want to pee my pants. i can't get enough.

Cracked describes the clip like this... Knives cannot defeat it! After the guy strikes the bed, we're treated to the slowest, dullest sequence in horror film history. There is some very subtle acting going on here, and by "subtle" we mean "almost comatose." At the sight of his dissolved hands, the "actor" summons up all the emotional devastation of a guy who just realized the pizza delivery man forgot the crazy bread. oh, boo.

and thus, enjoy DEATH BED:

dream of the day

earlier this week i dreamed the most awesomely awesome dream.

i was at a museum at some kind of fancy black-tie art auction with my parents and their running group friends. and something went awry, there was a theft or something and we were somehow implicated but we didn't do it. so, we had to get away in a hurry. what did we do? get in the bubble car of course! bubble car consists of a cardboard box with wheels tied to some giant yellow helium balloons. somehow, the balloons make the car lighter and make it travel at super speed. so we zip off in the bubble car but somehow i fall out an i am hanging on to the ropes to the balloons way up high, and by pulling on the ropes i can make control the bubble car's speed. we are zipping down country roads and then my dad turns into chevy chase, we careen off the road into a field and yackety-sax starts playing and we crash into a tree.

when i woke up, and i turned and looked at jon and said.... "...bubble car." and he just stared at me. and then i started singing the yackety-sax song. the end. attached- illustration of my bubble car.

how's that for a quality illustration?

the waiting, bowling, and typing.

if you're wondering why i haven't been posting as much, just wait till monday! plus, work has been crazy. we are always swamped with work, but lately it's like we just can't catch up and all my doing-nothing-on-the-internet time is taken up by really actually working hard. sorry about that whole doing my job thing. but i like it here and i'm lucky to have one as it is in the housing industry so i feel slightly indebted to them to do things well/fast right now.

we went bowling last night, which is one of those things where someone says "bowling!" and i'm all "ewww, bowling, no way!" and then when i get there it is actually really really fun. of course it did help that we split into two groups and our team made it our goal to lap the other team by one whole game. we've invented speed bowling. it involves a lot of running up before it's your turn and hurling the ball as fast as you can down the lane, to the point of throwing it before the clearing bar even goes up. and you know that whole bowling etiquette of waiting for the person next to you to go because they walked up first? screw that! i think we actually scared guys next to us. it was totally hilarious, i haven't laughed that hard in a long time. it was a nice way to celebrate my friend ruth's birthday and suzie's roommate is really nice.

i read a comment on someone's blog the other day that they hate it when people space twice after a period. and everyone was like YEAH, ME TOO. dude. really? i can't help it, i was taught that obsessively in school and marked off if we didn't. is that not a rule anymore?

best pals

After battling some of the worst wildfires ever to hit Australia, a firefighter shared his bottled water with a koala on Monday... and then they held hands. the end.

and i got mud on my shoes

so jon and i are now obsessed with watching deadwood- an awesome show from HBO about an old-west gold mining camp complete with hookers, shoot-outs, whiskey=water, etc. we don't have HBO though so we have just been renting them on DVD (i have to do the same thing with big love, boo).

as some of you may be aware until last year i had never seen a single western. ever. it was crazy. all last year all we did was watch badass western after badass western, and now i could watch unforgiven, the magnificent seven, and tombstone (the greatest western of all time) on a constant loop every day. that old-timey shit is awesome. how did i go so long without them?

so deadwood fits in perfectly with my new interests- AND... they call everybody a cocksucker about every five seconds and fuck is an adjective/verb/noun. (my favorite example of this is that while counting to lift a dead body out of the street someone said "one, two, fuckin' three" because apparently in old-timey-ville, everyone was made of sailors) it's freakin hilarious. also being that it's a mining camp laws and justice are pretty rudimentary and it's really satisfying to see some complete jerk get the crap beat out of him in the street.

and, i hate E.B. the hotel owner. HATE HATE HATE HATE him. HATE HIM. and now i keep dreaming that we live in the old west. last night i dreamed that we lived in deadwood but nothing horrible happened so we were just like, "oh you crazy old-westerners and your kooky hijinx, let's go to the olde towne store."

because dogs are like that

last night when i got home (TWO HOURS late, thanks crazy snow storm) the dogs were freaking out as usual. apparently before i get there they play with each other but by the time i show up nico is back to totally hating her guts. skip to ten minutes later in the kitchen-

bang runs up and is trying to lick nico's chin, which he hates, so he growls and tries to get her to go away. she doesn't listen because she the stupidest dog ever. ever. so he bites her. totally within his bounds to do so- SHE IS SO ANNOYING. he did a good job and didn't go for the face-parts. jon starts looking bang over to make sure she's aok (which she was) and i'm petting nico for not eating her face off.

"ummmmm... what's that??" and jon looks over, and bang got so scared... that she pooped a tiny poop on the floor. he literally scared the poop out of her. awesome. her butt end had a sink bath and then all was well, except ten minutes later when she tried to lick his chin again. because learning is just not her thing.

then this morning i had to chase nico around the yard in the snow with a broom because a stray cat keeps coming in our yard a pooping, and nico for some reason thinks those are tasty crackers left by the easter bunny.

ugh.... dogs.

dream of the day

last night i dreamed that bears were taking over the world.

jon, nico, and i were out in my parents back yard that looks over the woods and jon says, "hey look! a really big bear!" so we watch the bear in the woods from afar. but then nico starts barking and the bear (brown, not black. always fight a black bear) comes running towards us. i run up onto the deck and jon runs behind me but nico doesn't run so jon stays to help him, and then nico fights the bear in the snow all badass, but we all get into the house safely and nico isn't hurt because of his magic fur.

so then we figure we should warn other people about the crazy bears, so we go to the front door and there are people out there that don't know about the bears so i'm whispering across the yard to them but the bears have super hearing and hear me and then they try and break into the house. we get the front door locked but now they are tearing down the house from the outside so we have to run and get in the car which is parked in the cul-de-sac. i run to the car with jon and nico fights another bear and we all drive back to the city and when we get to over-the-rhine we drive to the big parking garage by the art academy and everyone is hiding there from the bear invasion and they let us in and they shoot all the bears chasing us because it's a crazy bear apocolypse all doomsday style. then we go up on the roof and you can see all across the city all the other people hiding on their roofs from the bears. because apparently super-smart bears with super-hearing can't find you if you're on top of a building.

and then i woke up.

like fuzzy bunny bitey cheeks

cutest. photo. ever.

hello there mr tiny dog! look at your eye patch!

and this, my friends.

i know i haven't had a lot of time to write anything substantial lately but things have just been crazy here at work. and at home, well i'm too busy sleeping and playing fable II. but don't give up on me, and i won't give up on you. the time will come again when we can be together instead of working on other people's powerpoint presentations and making useless decorative stickers. cheers!