reasons a pregnant lady will cry

i've heard all about how pregnant ladies cry during sappy commercials, tv, movies, and when they see a cute baby, but my experience has been, uh, different. here are a few of the reasons i've cried in the last few weeks:

1. heartburn

2. sneezing

3. eating a tasty barbecue sandwich

4. no ice in my drink

5. i want to go to the grocery store... NOW

6. unable to go to the fridge to get ice from the ice machine

and funniest of all, i cried when i saw this clip on the best damn sports show's top 50 funny moments:



you know why? because i didn't know which one of those men was devin harris the nba player. i thought through the entire video that the white guy was devin harris. i didn't understand why it was funny that he would be good at basketball. and then when jon explained it i cried and cried, because devin harris tricked me. i'm still kind of confused about it now, i mean i have no idea who the hell devin harris is.

pregnancy is weird.

wanna see something pretty?

mmmmmmm, solid surface countertops.
(please continue to disregard the wall with holes in it, i'll fix it someday.)

the corners are orgasmic


and the new slate floor, which i never bothered to properly photograph when we finished it. still dirty, because what's the point in cleaning it when we're just going to go in there and make a mess again?
(and bang's head, because she is uncooperative during photo-time)

... and this picture of a mr. dog wearing a watch, just because, you know, he looks so serious about checking the time.

the games we play

every day when i leave my desk after 5 to go home the janitor is upstairs cleaning the bathrooms. and every day, when i walk by him on my way out, we make awkward small talk about the weather and other inane things. since i've been pregnant this is one of my least favorite parts of the day. sometimes i leave early and hope we won't have to cross paths on the way out the door. i creep up the stairs quietly and slink around the corner. most days though, there he is. i walk by quickly, sucking in the belly and trying to stand up very straight. but the belly-sucking-in isn't really very effective anymore, so i carry my purse angled over my stomach.

he's a perfectly nice guy. i just hate making small talk with people that much. i guess at some point none of my disguising attempts will work anymore and we'll have to talk about it. and then he'll call me mama, like he calls my friend. but until that time, i'm going to keep sneaking out every night so i don't have to talk to anyone else about my due date, or how i'm feeling.

prepare yourself...

what do you think jon, do we need one of these.... charming... family portraits? it's so classy! i'll meet you in the redneck garden of eden next to the unicorn. you bring the bleach and hair gel.

more at awkwardfamilyphotos.com

survival of the fittest

this is the only photo i was able to snap at the race, taken on my dad's blackberry since i didn't bring my own camera. we always sit in the same seats overlooking the start line, the pits, and turn #1 (which this year was the scene of some intense fire-y crash action). all that mess down there on the track is the drivers getting into their cars before start. it was fun, as usual. growing up in a family that loved/participated in racing the hummmm of the cars at the track always makes me want to take a nice afternoon nap. but i did not nap, because it was 5 billion degrees. actually it was only like 85-90 but the humidity was out of control. but other than being very hot things went fine. my dad upgraded us to park a few blocks closer than usual which was nice. and my shoes gave me a wicked blister on one heel, bastard shoes.

the rest of the weekend was fine. we tried to make some time to see family where we could before we came home monday morning. you know, a lot of small talk with people about how no really, i'm feeling quite fine. but i am so happy to be home, in my comfortable bed, with my dogs running all around, eating the foods of my own choosing in my pajamas. i'm not really a pleasant traveler right now and i don't like to be away.

there's an action packed week ahead: countertops get installed, nico goes to the vet, i go in for my glucose test, we get a new roof, and jon's dad may be coming down again over the weekend to finish up the plumbing (i could have a sink next week. a real working kitchen sink. zomg).

we bought a bunch of organizing fun-time kitchen accessories yesterday at ikea, can i tell you seriously how excited i am to have a 17 piece set of green tupperware? for $5???

friday finds

special thanks to you, sir

last night was the first official time a stranger in public noticed i was pregnant and talked to me. it. was. awesome.

we stopped by our favorite gyro shop (chicago gyro on mcmillan) to pick up some dinner to take home. while we were waiting for our food at the counter some random thug walked up to me and said, "that baby wants you to eat that tasty gyro. it wants you to eat the whole thing. when are you due?" and then i told him september, and then he said, "cool." and walked away.

random man, you made my night. and i'm especially proud that the first person to say something wasn't some old lady at target. no no, it was a random thugging black man, because that's how we roll around here.

i feel like i should send him a card, or flowers. cheers.

dream of the day

i dreamed the night before last that i was going to a birthing class. and it was being hosted in this huge huge high school. the first class was just telling us where to meet and how we would be divided up into groups and it was a total waste of time and we were mad. they let us out for a 10 minute break and we were all trying to find our way to the vending machines but the place was a maze. we kept having to walk through all these basketball courts and i could see the vending machines out the window but i couldn't find them. and then i met clint eastwood. and in his old age he had become a famous artist who drew fabulous line drawings of predatory birds, and he wanted me to be his muse so he could draw me nude.

and then i woke up.

this week in the world of jude

he is almost 14 inches long! he weighs more than a pound and a half! i can vouch for this because my stomach has doubled in size all of a sudden and feels like a rubber ball. we're talking serious baby growth-spurt here. and those gentle punchy-kicky taps? now it's more like a cat trying to fight its way out of a bag. he's getting crazy strong and moves all the time. well except for yesterday, that was a boring one. and i eat like a teenage boy. i think that is the part i am having the most trouble adjusting to. i eat breakfast (yogurt & granola, fruit, something like that), lunch... 30 minutes later i am famished. dying of hunger. i just can't eat enough food. it's getting ridiculous, seriously. and i feel guilty for eating so much food but if my body says it needs it then i guess i should listen. and if it wants me to make more brownies in our fancy oven, i'll listen to that too.

jude is like, a real person in there now. with hair, and all 5 senses, and his eyes can open, and man it's crazy. you know he could come out of there at any time? i mean that would be not good, but it's possible. and since about 2 weeks ago he would probably live. however, baby jude, please stay in there are cook some more, you probably look like a freaky skeletor still. 15 weeks left, if he makes it all the way to the end. it is amazing how fast it goes.

the internet keeps telling me that babies in the womb can hear and react to outside sounds. but he never does. i asked jon if he would be mad if our baby was deaf, and he said no. but he thinks that we are just such LOUD LOUD people what with the dog yelling and talking and movies and me playing jude gwar in the car that he is probably used to loud noises by now and just doesn't care. and that is a very plausible explanation. thumbs up for a laid-back baby i guess.

i'm feeling fine. i mean really uneventfully fine. people act like i am supposed to entertain them somehow with crazy tales of "how i'm doing." people act as if i'm going to have some kind of amazing story to tell them. and then when i tell them i'm fine they act so disappointed, like they would really rather hear about how horrible i'm feeling. but honestly it's just not that exciting. sometimes i am grumpy. sometimes i am tired. that's really about it. if i get really tired i start to waddle, which is funny. and if i walk for too long my hands get all puffy and sad and i have to hold my arms above my head to help the blood run back out. i don't like to go to the grocery store anymore because there are so many people and they are always running into me like totally rude jerks. sometimes i see sparkly black spots. actually pretty often. jon thinks maybe i have low blood pressure or need more iron.

this weekend we are taking mr. jude to the race. and because we are from indianapolis there is only one race i could be talking about, the indy 500. it's a pretty big deal in indy, my parents and my aunt and uncle all get seats together in the same box every year for like the past 15 years. so we're going. i'm concerned about all the walking to get to our seats though. it's a long way, usually more than a mile from the car to the seats. i'm afraid even if i wear proper shoes it's going to be pretty taxing, especially considering that i got tired in lowes last night while we were picking out paint for the kitchen and had to sit down on a bucket in the corner. i guess we'll see how that pans out.

i hate that spell check thinks that 'internet' should be capitalized. why is that a proper noun??

closer to cooking

we have lights! fancy-fance pendant lights that jon picked out! and the oven works! look how shiny it is! i can officially tell you that it makes delicious brownies.


and here is a progress timeline, focused only on one corner of the room:

(before)

(wall demolition)

(ceiling demolition)

(this weekend- cabinets in, slate tile is in and peeking out on the bottom right, lights in)

so you know, things are good. at least it feels like progress is being made. bad news on the countertops is that they won't be delivered until the 27th which also happens to be the day before we are getting a new roof. crazy much?? so no water or range until the countertops are in. but i can bake in my new convection oven as much as my little heart desires as long as i wash all the dishes with the hose outside.

temporary

doing some crazy stuff to my template this morning. if you stop by and it looks freaky, sorry. i'm working on it.

UPDATE... i think i'm done, at least for now. there is actual work to get done around here this afternoon.

cheer me up, why don't you.

today's news headline? #1 Cause of Death in Pregnant Women is Murder. i guess it's not so bad that no one will hold the door for me in public, because apparently it could be a lot worse.

swing left, sweet chariot

i spent a nice productive period during and after college not caring at all about other people's ideas. you think some crazy stuff about jesus and crap? more power to you. live and let live. i'm going to stand over here now.

and maybe this is way off base (it's not), but i thought that was the point of this country. the pilgrims came here seeking the freedom to pursue their religion without interference from the church of england. the freedom for each of us to do our own thing. however according to the past few months i've forgotten all about how this was founded as a "christian" nation. forget the fact that the majority (if not all) of the founding fathers were members of the freemasons, a group that was formed to pursue religious tolerance. and that they specifically formed the separation of church and state. or that thomas jefferson pasted together his own version of the bible because he thought the original was total crap. see that was all a dream sequence, it didn't really happen. we are a christian nation. ahem.

in the past few months something has happened and i can't quite put my finger on it. a huge combination of things- i just can't take it any more. if you weren't already aware, by some miracle, i am super ultra liberal. so far left of left i actually don't believe in having a government at all (which is a deeper discussion for another day). but these past few months have been so chock full of christian rightwing hate speech. from fox news. from people i know. from the news i actually read, which is not faux news. people who hate gay people. hate gay marriage. hate abortions. hate abortions for non-viable babies with genetic defects that cause them to have NO FACES WITH WHICH TO BREATH. they hate people who don't celebrate the national day of prayer, which is crap in and of itself. hate people who don't go to church. hate people who do go to church and don't "mean it." hate black people. hate foreign people. hate muslim people. hate mexican people. hate jewish people. do they like anybody?

and in the last week, it has been like a flood of continuing mess. miss california only believes in "opposite" marriage but posing for naked photos- that's her idea of being a good role model. bristol palin is now being paid to be the new face of abstinence-only education, clearly it worked for her. pro-life protesters at notre dame (protesting obama's commencement speech) fly a plane over the campus daily showing giant pictures of dismembered babies. fireproof. that's just sad by itself. really, you need a crappily produced movie with kirk cameron in it to tell you not to be a dick to your wife? radio hosts make racist remarks about mexican people because "they caused the swine flu by being dirty." just south of here is the creation museum, where people take their children to learn that dinosaurs and people lived together in harmony. we rode them with saddles. wheeee!

and quiverfull. and jesus camp. and the nazi-youth pope. and the man i drove into work behind today with the back of his car covered in pro-life stickers. it's just too much. i can't live and let live in an environment where i am bombarded by crazies. so here's a lesson for you, super-christian movement, if you would just shut your fucking faces and mind your own business people like me (you know, the rational, thinking kind) wouldn't hate you. because honestly if you want to teach your homeschool kids to think that obama is the muslim antichrist, it's none of my business. unless you keep screaming it in my face, and then it is my business.

and if you all accidentally fell into the ocean and got eaten by a giant squid which then exploded, that would really be the best solution for me personally. so throw on your swimwear, douse yourself in kerosene, and take some matches to the beach. i'll be the one on shore waving the american flag.

all is quiet on the western front

the cabinets are mostly/halfway/partly in. the fridge is in the kitchen (finally) but that is still the only appliance we have. and no water. the guy came out this morning to take the measurements for the countertops and then informed me that it could be as long as three weeks before they come and install them. my dad helped over the weekend and next weekend jon's dad is coming. so, stuff is happening. lots of parts of stuff are partially done.

no other news. the weekend was all kitchen all the time, and then we went to see star trek. and this week, all kitchen all the time. and then the weekend, all kitchen all the time. so i'm not very thrilling at the moment. and mother's day? god. i don't even know how to describe it, it was like a perfect storm of horrors. should i, could i, go into detail? i just don't have the energy right now, but let's suffice it to say for now that it sucked.

i really need a hair cut.

ps, i just rejected your facebook friend request for like the billionth time. take a hint, seriously. i'm not going to be your online friend just so you can stalk me, look at my photos, and then continue telling everyone about how you hate me, and jon. a few weeks ago you announced to the world that jude "doesn't count" as part of the family. now you want to see pictures of "your nephew." good luck with that.

week 24

feet? is that you guys down there?

my doctor appointment this morning marks the very beginning of week 24. six months. dude. you never realize until you go to the doctor every month how boring it can be. i go in, they weigh me, take my blood pressure, i pee in a cup, i leave. that's probably a good thing though because if they get too exciting it probably means something bad is going on. so, see you in another month boring doctor.

next up is my glucose test, where i chug this sugary syrup drink and then they draw my blood to make sure i don't have gestational diabetes. i asked the doctor about the crazy back pain i have been having since the beginning. the first time i asked (different doctor) she tried to convince me that i was just constipated. no, lady, trust me this is very different. and it has continued since then, now amplified by kitchen world. so i asked again today and she thinks i probably have sciatica. her solution? don't do anything. so i have been officially told by the doctor to do nothing. i doubt that will actually happen. i'm not so good at the 'taking it easy' part of this. also, i have gained 11 pounds. i couldn't believe it!! i feel like a huge ass boat. i think the boy is having a growth spurt this week. and i can't remember what my starting weight was so in my head i kept making it lower and lower and thinking OH MY GOD I'VE GAINED LIKE 20 POUNDS ALREADY. apparently not. so that's a good thing, but very strange.

i'm not sure if jude really hates going to the doctor or really, really likes it. every time he punches them in the sound listening machine. today he did it twice in a row. it probably is because right before i go in i always eat and chug a bunch of juice because i am paranoid i won't be able to pee in the cup. and one time i couldn't, and it was mortifying. i had to come back out and say, "look, I'm sorry but I really just don't have to pee." what pregnant lady ever says that? ever since i had to take my initial drug test for this job it is like my greatest fear. because i went in for my drug test and she said i didn't pee enough pee in the cup and made me wait there an hour and a half until i had to pee again. the horror. i just noticed this week that i am now rocking the teeniest tiniest linea negra, the dark vertical like that some ladies get on their preggo bellies. at this point it's pretty cute because it's not very dark but we'll see how long that lasts.

i took some belly pictures for you (finally). i figured it was now or never. do you have any idea how hard it is to take a semi-attractive photo of yourself in the pastel office bathroom? very, very hard.

happy friday all! cabinets are going in this weekend! walls are being repaired!

miss bang goes trekkie

advice from man to man

our friend adam shared with jon this awesome website:

1001 rules for my unborn son: lets get some things straight before I get uncool

he hasn't agreed with all of them, but mostly, very good. he really should make it into a book. id' buy it. it includes gems like:

“On matters of style, swim with the current. On matters of principle, stand like a rock."

"Don't flatten burgers on the grill. It squeezes out all the juices."

"Never talk during a movie. Arrive early and get center seats." (something we live by)

however we do NOT agree that "Men with facial hair have something to hide." because first of all, all great men in westerns rock the facial hair. and secondly, jon has a beard. and no, i don't think he's trying to trick me.

dear jude

dear jude,

i can't wait until we can watch tombstone, together. i mean besides the three times we've watched it together already. like, a time when you can actually see it with your eyes.

love,
mama

homesick

we're famous! well not really but i saw this article on msnbc... and recognized the photo as a few streets over from where we used to live (before we bought our house). it's strange to see someplace you know so well and have walked by on the front page of the national news. oh, over-the-rhine. how i miss you.

and the winner is...

kitchen: 1
jamie: 0

we tiled the entire floor saturday. don't worry it only took 12 hours. but, it looks badass. side effects of this? excruciating crippling back pain. i try to walk, my knees lock up, i fall down. i probably should have stayed home from work. so is the tile grouted? no.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

tired of hearing about our kitchen? yeah, well i'm tired of being in my kitchen. screw you. i'm slowly realizing that all those people who "take it easy" during pregnancy? they probably do that for a reason. like crippling back pain and exhaustion. so maybe in the future, when this nightmare is over, i'll think about taking it easy...er.

tonight, we finish the grout. it's going to happen because it has to happen. in other news we bought a sweet ceiling fan, pendant lamps, and when i get home from work the 30 contractor bags will all be gone because we sold some old crap on craigslist and we're paying some nice guy to haul all the trash away.