a strongly worded message to you, internets.

alright internet, i can't take it anymore.

if one more fucking person comes here from googling geof manthorne or geof manthorne girlfriend i am going to lose my mind.

I DON'T KNOW GEOF MANTHORNE. I AM NOT AFFILIATED WITH HIM IN ANY WAY. I DO NOT HAVE INFORMATION ABOUT HIS PERSONAL LIFE!

i watch ace of cakes, the show that he is on, pretty often. and i think he looks like mathieu amalric. that is all. i even wrote a message to him on their website letting them know that his marital status is a hot topic and can you please make your own freakin web page about it so people will stop coming here and being all disappointed.

so, person visiting me here from the search "does geoffrey manthorne have a girlfriend?" the answer is I DON'T FUCKING KNOW. but please feel free to stay here and read about dogs and jude and other random crap from my life, it would make me feel better.


ps: people who came here from searching "weird nudes archive" and "giant fat man big belly button" i don't have any of that either, just fyi. but i'm not sure i want you to stay.

dark moments.

i can't read any more about natural birth. i don't want to read, see, or talk to anyone who is going to shake my resolve- no more articles, books, or birth stories. i don't want to run across someone's offhand comment at the bottom of an article about how their doctor didn't listen to them in the hospital or one more negative opinion about crunchy hippie births. i don't want any extra thoughts going into my mind in this last month that aren't completely positive. i feel vulnerable. the only things i can handle right now are reading my bradley book over and over and, now, reading dooce's birth story.

all of a sudden the past few days i feel hyper-emotional about the whole thing, which is really very unlike me. i'm on edge, wondering if i can really do this. all my energy is going inward focused on preparing myself for what's going to happen. i tear up thinking about how desperately i'm going to need jon's support. i'm tearing up now just writing that out in real words. if we're lucky enough that nothing goes wrong that needs medical intervention i wonder if i can handle it. i know that i will need to be stronger than i have ever had to be before. it feels like a delicate balance, flip flopping between moments when i feel super determined and times when i feel like i need all the outside support i can get to bolster my resolve. and you know, pregnant people are crazy (uh yeah, clearly). so by tomorrow i *might* feel totally different. but for the past three nights i dream over and over about going into labor so obviously i'm a little concerned, and at least for today the stress seems very overwhelmingly stressful.

every night i sit on the floor for hours at a time doing pelvic stretches and sitting in tailor pose. in my entire life i've never been able to touch my toes and now i do it every night. that's amazing, because i'm seriously one of the least flexible people ever. i'm working hard to make this happen. if sheer will and determination are enough, i can do this.

dream of the day

last night i dreamed that i was talking to jon and then all of a sudden i blacked out. and when i woke back up i was in the hospital and jon was there taking care of me. and apparently i had gone into preterm labor so they had put me into a coma and delivered jude and then left me like that for 3 more weeks. so i missed the birth and jon had been taking care of our tiny preterm baby in the hospital all alone and i had never even met him and i cried and cried.

it was a horrible dream, but of course when i told jon about it this morning he just laughed because dude, jude is only days away from being not pre-term. and he is plenty big. dreams are weird.

TMI tuesday

(heads up adam and other men, you'll probably want to stop reading right about now.)

have you ever worn more than one tampon at once, by accident? let me tell you, that was one of the most horrific and mortifying moments of my life. some sleepy morning i put another one in without (apparently) taking the other one out. and then when i went to check on things later they BOTH came out. cringe, yell, cry, eww.

i feel slightly better about this based on one of blogher's community keynotes, Stuck in the Middle with You by Knotty Yarn. but, not that much better. cheers.

the builders and the gerbils

jon convinced me last week to go to the builders and the butchers concert with him and a some of our friends. their music is all old-timey style, pretty much the show carnivale in music form which is amazing. plus it was $5. the down side was the show was at a bar in kentucky, and across the river in redneckland you can still smoke in bars. sad times, as cigarettes, besides being stinky and gross, make pregnant-me very queasy.

we showed up at the place which i had heard from a friend was pretty skeevy. you have. no. idea. it clearly used to be a strip club. everything had neon blue and pink lights around it accented here and there with glass block walls. and the carpet (yes, i said carpet) was totally roller rink carpet and i'm really glad i never had to touch it with my feet at any time. the bathroom? i mean i'm pretty tough, we've traveled across the country, i've been in tons of truck stops and diners and whatever other horrible bathrooms you can imagine, but seriously, this bathroom was the worst ive ever seen. and of course i had to pee within 5 minutes of getting there. but i figured hey, it's early! maybe it won't be too bad yet. well yes, that would be true if they had ever cleaned it from the night/week/month before. but clearly that was not the case. let me tell you that the pregnant hover-pee is ever so challenging. a while later one of our friends needed to pee and i warned him ahead of time and he rolled up his pant legs above his shoes in fear, and he was glad that he did when he came back out.

this crap was supposed to start at 8 and we showed up around then. they hadn't even opened the doors. by 930 there were still no bands playing. eventually some girl got up there and sang by herself. and she was pretty good, though her name made me hate her before i even heard her play. wonky tonk? really? honey you can sing, please get yourself another name. and apparently her band didn't show up? but i missed that and i thought she was joking about "sounding better with her band" so i kept saying things like, "shut up and play! we don't care about you talking!"

and then the next opening band came on... pilgrim. apparently that's their name. (which i have renamed them Nazerdune, because it's much funnier) it was the worst jam band i've ever heard and it just went on and on and on and on and i kept going outside for the fresh air. and then i would come back inside and it actually smelled better because 10,000 gerbils must have died/peed somewhere outside that bar. and everyone around me apologized profusely to jude for him having to hear their crappy playing while in womb. i tried to find them online for you but *thank god* they don't appear to have a website. it's probably for the best.

and when the builders and the butchers finally played it was awesome. they are totally entertaining to watch and the crowd was all happy not to be listening to CRAP anymore, and we dragged a stool out in front of the stage so i didn't have to stand up.

and then i started having contractions.

yeah seriously.

smokey crap bar + really loud drum music = braxton hicks.

so after they were done playing i had to drive us straight home, because of course i was dd, and then lay down and drink water and go to bed. but since then nothing, and the doctor was not at all concerned. so uh, that's that.