about three months ago i went to my doctor to have my mirena put in and when they weighed me i was below my pre-pregnancy weight. i thought, hey, well this is cool! and now, twelve weeks later i'm swimming in my favorite pants. this seems like a silly thing to complain about, losing weight. but i liked the way i looked pre-jude mostly and these changes are happening in reverse as fast as the pregnancy weight went on. and i like my clothes, and they no longer fit.
i feel like a wan, tired, shadow of who i used to be. i am skinnier now that i was even in college. shouldn't i be thrilled? but i'm not. i feel like i'm wasting away day by day. not emotionally, emotionally i feel pretty great. but physically i'm not sure my body can keep up with all this. sometimes i'm torn between thinking coooool, i'm getting really skinny! which sounds great in theory and uh, this can't be good, i'm tired and thin and bland. and maybe it's that the changes are happening so fast but i don't feel particularly any "hotter". i still feel kind of like a glummo mom with a zillion stretch marks.
it came to me when i was thinking about these new shifts that nothing is ever going to be enough because it has nothing to do with how i actually look- it's in my head. i need to stop being down on myself and embrace what's going on. i need my shiny bow-chicka-bow-wow confidence back (which, i never really had any to start with). i need to like who and what i am right now. because i'll never be thin enough or hot enough. and how many times have i had this same conversation with my husband? he assures me i'm beautiful all the time but it's like his compliments don't even crack their way inside my brain. i'm so trained to think but i could be better. in my head all i hear are comments from my past: are you really going to eat that? are you sure you don't need a larger size? you should think about going on a diet. those people in my life that amplify my self doubt. saboteurs whose tiny off-hand comments cut me to the core and they probably aren't even aware of the damage they're doing. do you have one of those subversive people in your life? maybe it's just me.
i need to quit worrying and be healthy and happy. i'm just not sure how to get there. what's the first step? maybe all us moms need to go away for a weekend to a secluded beach and practice having fun in our bikinis and lose some of that self consciousness that has taken over. the most beautiful woman isn't the thinnest one; it's the one with confidence about who and what she is. i need to make a move to feel better about myself regardless of what is going on with my weight.
i am a pretty young woman.
how can i help myself like myself?