you're the only one who can hold your head up high

February 15, 2010

about three months ago i went to my doctor to have my mirena put in and when they weighed me i was below my pre-pregnancy weight.  i thought, hey, well this is cool!  and now, twelve weeks later i'm swimming in my favorite pants.  this seems like a silly thing to complain about, losing weight.  but i liked the way i looked pre-jude mostly and these changes are happening in reverse as fast as the pregnancy weight went on.  and i like my clothes, and they no longer fit.

i feel like a wan, tired, shadow of who i used to be.  i am skinnier now that i was even in college.  shouldn't i be thrilled?  but i'm not.  i feel like i'm wasting away day by day.  not emotionally, emotionally i feel pretty great.  but physically i'm not sure my body can keep up with all this.  sometimes i'm torn between thinking coooool, i'm getting really skinny! which sounds great in theory and uh, this can't be good, i'm tired and thin and bland.  and maybe it's that the changes are happening so fast but i don't feel particularly any "hotter".  i still feel kind of like a glummo mom with a zillion stretch marks.

it came to me when i was thinking about these new shifts that nothing is ever going to be enough because it has nothing to do with how i actually look- it's in my head.  i need to stop being down on myself and embrace what's going on.  i need my shiny bow-chicka-bow-wow confidence back (which, i never really had any to start with).  i need to like who and what i am right now.  because i'll never be thin enough or hot enough.  and how many times have i had this same conversation with my husband?  he assures me i'm beautiful all the time but it's like his compliments don't even crack their way inside my brain.  i'm so trained to think but i could be better.  in my head all i hear are comments from my past: are you really going to eat that? are you sure you don't need a larger size? you should think about going on a diet.  those people in my life that amplify my self doubt.  saboteurs whose tiny off-hand comments cut me to the core and they probably aren't even aware of the damage they're doing.  do you have one of those subversive people in your life?  maybe it's just me.

i need to quit worrying and be healthy and happy.  i'm just not sure how to get there.  what's the first step? maybe all us moms need to go away for a weekend to a secluded beach and practice having fun in our bikinis and lose some of that self consciousness that has taken over.  the most beautiful woman isn't the thinnest one; it's the one with confidence about who and what she is.   i need to make a move to feel better about myself regardless of what is going on with my weight.

i am a pretty young woman.

how can i help myself like myself?

friday nights are happenin'

7 comments:

hand pecked debb

Do you follow GGC? Apparently the mirena has been a bitch to her and a lot of folks. Could be that playing with your head.

Josey

I think most of us have at least one of those subversise people in our lives, unfortunately, so don't feel alone!

Just try to remember that, as women, we so often define ourselves by how we look and by how those around us respond to that look... when really we should be defining ourselves by how we treat our family, our friends, and most importantly, ourselves.

From reading your blog, it's apparent that you're a wonderful Mom and a loving wife... but make sure you're taking that "YOU" time as well to work on yourself, b/c once you're feeling good about youself, that self-confidence and happiness will spill over into all areas of your life, including your marriage and family!

Read a good book (chapter by chapter during naps if need be!), get your hair cut, do a pedicure day with your girlfriends...so something for YOU!

Easier said than done, I know, but it's important!

Ashley, The Accidental Olympian

"How can i help myself like myself?"

The age old question none of us seem to have the true answer for.

I wish you the best...

penelopelife

I love this honest post. Even though I don't have a particularly brilliant response.

I nursed my son for 11 months and was so thin around the 7-8 month mark that it was all I could do to find time to shovel food fast enough to exist. Which sounds like it would be great but, as it sounds like you're finding out, totally wasn't.

I agree with Josey--make sure you take time for you. I think a beach day designed around accepting bodies sounds fantastic.

RMMama

Love it! I think this is something all moms (especially first timers) struggle with. Its hard to find yourself between all the diapers and feedings and playtimes. You emerge from the birth experience a different woman entirely. Not just emotionally but physically as well.

I remember feeling the exact same way when I had D, my first, and it took a good long while for my juju to catch up to the constant changes. Just when I would think I had caught up to one thing, another would change. I would lose ten more pounds or my hair would change texture AGAIN. Its such a whirlwind that its amazing that anyone chooses to do it again.

Just keep remembering that Jon loves you, Jude loves you, just the way you are no matter what you think you need to look like. Priorities shift and its hard to let go of the perception of who you think you are, who you think you need to be, in order to make thinks work. To realize who you were before baby is not who you are now. Both physically AND emotionally. It does get better. Or easier. Or whatever you want to call it. You are still healing, again both physically and emotionally, after one of the hugest most awesome changes a woman will ever experience!

(Sorry for the novel. lol. HTH)

the grumbles

hand pecked debb,
yes, i've been following GGC's mirena story. i haven't had mine for quite long enough to decide if it's a keeper or not. i'm still willing to give it some more time. but most of what i was writing about here is pretty unrelated to that.

AthenaBee

It seems like it's not socially acceptable for women to be happy with themselves. Sure, there's that whole woman empowerment, love yourself, you're awesome crap, but the second you say "I look GREAT!" you're deemed full of yourself.

I don't think a lot of people understand exactly what happens to some people after they get pregnant, give birth, and breastfeed.

Lemme break myself down for you: The skin on my body aged, my boobs are NOT where I left them, I have stretch marks on my legs from water retention due to preeclampsia, my hair and scalp are SICK, and I'm losing my hair. Couple all that fun shit with the new pregnancy weight gain and acne and you've got one sexy feeling lady.

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