my lovely friend ky from twopretzels sparked an interesting discussion over at her place this morning: is your online "personality" accurate? are you really who you present yourself to be? because i think she's absolutely right, when we interact with each other online we have more time to think and craft and present only the sides of ourselves that we want to show people.
so, does my inside match my outside?
yes and no.
this is going to sound strange but i have found that my "real" (not online) self is much... meaner? than my online self. i spend a lot of time when i write thinking about others and fostering connections. i real life i am must more likely to shout FUCK YOU in your face and run away. or start a fist fight. here i go out of my way to make friends; in real life i'm agoraphobic to the nth degree.
i present myself as a pretty balanced happy-flower-cutesty-time person. (well, at least by my own standards) on the one hand, it is a lie. you don't know that in reality i am a jerk. (if you already happen to think i'm a jerk then you don't understand what i'm saying, i'm REALLY MORE OF A JERK) on the other hand you know my secret insides- that underneath all that i care about people, i care about you.
i am very opinionated. i like to make fun of people. but i don't air that side of myself here because the internet is forever. i don't want those parts of me to be immortalized, though i embrace them fully. frankly, it would be unpopular. as much as i write this for me i also like having readers. i want you to come back and i know that words have power. sometimes my self-imposed restrictions chafe. i get comments and i want to respond with a rude snappy reply. but i don't. i want to write about my opinion on a deep controversy. but i don't. it's nothing to be sad about, just a choice that i knowingly make- i shield you from the heart of me so that we can be together.
if we met in real life would you like the real me? i'm not sure. if you could handle jon and i screaming YOU MOM back and forth over and over until we collapse in piles of giggles, maybe. if you're down with my dripping disdain for the everyday public, maybe. if you're willing to meet me on my turf so i don't have to go outside my comfort zone, maybe.
...but i would leave my comfort zone for you, if you asked.
it's what this place is all about for me– it's a standing challenge. push further, be better.
The truth be known, the truth be told
My heart was always fairly cold
Posing to be as warm as yours
now how 'bout you, are you really who you say you are?