right smack-dab in the middle of the very-summery action section we busted into the james bond series, all 23 of them. in order. i've always been a james bond enthusiast. i used to love to curl up in the afternoons and watch marathons of the old ones on tv. they hold some special kid-like memories for me for some reason. nostalgia, i haz it. ready? ready.
dr no
the very first one! look how young sean connery looks, can you believe it? it sets us up for the basis of all other james bond movies. you know the drill. i went to imdb looking for a dr no plot recap and this is what they had written:
A secret agent from London, England named James Bond (Sean Connery) travels to an exotic locale on a mission from MI-6 to investigate a matter of national security. There, he meets several attractive young women, and has sexual relations with some of them. Bond's work is thwarted by the henchmen of the antagonist, and he is captured. He is then taken into the antagonist's base of operations, where he engages in repartee with the antagonist. During the repartee, Bond learns the details behind the antagonist's plans. Bond then kills the antagonist, foils his plans, and escapes the base with the essential information to conclude his investigation.isn't that exactly the same plot of ALL 23 movies?! i laughed out loud. i never noticed how completely repetitive a lot of the plot devices were until we watched them in order. i mean the general gist is always the same but he literally does the exact same things in multiple movies. along with a lot of gratuitous scenes of skiing which i had somehow forgotten about. it's truly ridiculous how often that man skiis.
(i'm noting those below each film as "memes present"
oh...
...you didn't get that part yet?
yeah, i'm going to recap every. single. movie. suck it!)
it's notable because: anyway, dr no is mostly memorable because it's the first one. like all the older ones it can be sometimes dull and slow, but also gritty and awesome. it has a very memorable bikini. he bangs everybody, does the secret agent thing. what is amazing about it is thinking that before this moment audiences had no preconceptions about spies. the concept of james bond secret agent and spy movies didn't exist before this film and now it has complete infiltrated our culture. imagine a time... before james bond... imagine seeing this in the theater for the first time... BAM! brain explosion.
bond memes present: playing cards, underwater scuba diving, assisted by locals, car chase, an overblown evil plan
from russia with love
it's notable because: sean connery bangs the russian lady who wears negligee on the orient express, sweet catacombs scene shot on location in istanbul
bond memes present: banging the chick against her will and making her like it, an extended train sequence, the evils of communism
goldfinger
it's notable because: the girl dies painted with gold and everyone loves this one. it was most-mocked in austin powers. bad-guy is especially hilarious and round. oddjob appears and slices thing with his hat. a girl's name is pussy galore.
bond memes present: a car chase, a tracking device, an overblown evil plan
thunderball
i always confuse this one with the one where they go into space. it's not, it's the one where they go underwater.
it's notable because: yeeeeeaahhhhh.... um... underwater?
bond memes present: underwater scuba diving, assisted by locals, an overblown evil plan, underwater evil headquarters
you only live twice
it's notable because: they dress sean connery up as an "asian" and he pretends to be a "ninja". i had kind of forgotten about this one, and the reason was obviously because it is weird and boring. someone on imdb said this was the best action and best sets of any bond movie. that person is an idiot.
bond memes present: assisted by locals, banging the chick against her will and making her like it
on her majesty's secret service
it's notable because: george lazenby! sean connery took a break for this one and the much younger and slimier george lazenby stepped in. this is the most rare bond, since the dvd production rights expired in the 80's and they no longer release copies of it. plus! bond gets MARRIED! to a girl! and then she dies. boo.
bond memes present: playing cards, car chase, SKIING!, an overblown evil plan
diamonds are forever
a personal favorite! i enjoy this one, it was classic bond. back to sean connery here.
it's notable because: mr kidd and mr wint are the creepy and annoying bad guys chasing bond. i enjoy referring to them as mr kidd and mr play. bond goes to las vegas and fights two freaky acrobatic chics in a swanky house with an endless pool.
bond memes present: assisted by locals, an overblown evil plan, playing cards, a car chase
check that out, at one time jane seymour was a hot bond girl. trippy.
live and let die
(begin roger moore. a serviceable but not spectacular bond. jon hates him, i think he's meh.)
my all time favorite. no, seriously.
it's notable because: it's blacksploitation themed. dr quinn medicine woman plays a hot young virgin psychic. new orleans funerals? hell yeah! and an alligator farm full of cocaine! and a sweet speed boat chase with hilarious anti-american sheriff stereotype! and a dude with a mechanical hand! and SHARKS. THERE'S HOKEY VOODOO!! it's ALLLLLL good. with a good theme song too.
bond memes present: assisted by locals, playing cards, a car chase, banging the chick against her will and making her like it, an extended train sequence
the man with the golden gun
it's notable because: christopher lee is the bad guy. he has a dwarf assistant who wears a suit. he's totally wacko and likes to get it on before he kills. it almost makes up for the really boring chase scene through the fun house. there's a car plane.
bond memes present: assisted by locals, an overblown evil plan, a car chase, a tracking device
the spy who loved me
it's notable because: he and a russian agent work together against JAWS! the dude with metal teeth! he chases them through the ruins at Egypt during the sound and light show on the pyramids. amazing underwater bad-guy headquarters called atlantis.
bond memes present: SKIING!, banging the chick against her will and making her like it, the evils of communism, underwater scuba diving, a tracking device, underwater evil headquarters
moonraker
(we prefer to call this one 'mooncrapper' because well... we hate it)
it's notable because: they go to space. they go to space with crazy people and fight. it's STUPID. i believe at one point he hang-glides.
bond memes present: an overblown evil plan, fucking stupid
for your eyes only
it's notable because: most annoying title song that will get stuck in your head FOREVER. underwater archeology in greece, cut to crazy hilltop evil headquarters. he has to save an annoying american ice skater chickie whom i don't want him to save at all. the sequence where they climb up the mountain and into the headquarters is pretty good, otherwise it's rather dull. there's a talking parrot.
bond memes present: underwater scuba diving, assisted by locals, the evils of communism
octopussy
a true classic!
it's notable because: a society of super-awesome female entrepreneurs and spies!!! plus, they're HOTTT! no so good: the twin knife-throwers and all the parts with the clown. there's a carnival, and a bomb, and Q in a hot air balloon.
bond memes present: underwater scuba diving, assisted by locals, the evils of communism, banging the chick against her will and making her like it, an extended train sequence, playing cards, car chase
a view to a kill
it's notable because: fucking DURAN DURAN did the song. i LOVE IT. and, fucking CHRISTOPHER WALKEN is in it as the bad guy. amazing. not so amazing: his creepy she-he sidekick "may day" played by grace jones. she's pure 80's and i dislike her. at the end she kind of redeems herself but also kind of seems even more crazy. it's a pretty entertaining one though.
bond memes present: playing cards, car chase, an overblown evil plan
awkwardly, i must cut in here to add:
never say never again
because connery didn't want moore to have more bond films than him (six to moore's seven). so he came back and made one more. it's a remake of thunderball except a million times better. i like this one, really. really like it. though there's still a lot of underwater. there might even be more underwaterness than skiing. but there's also kim basinger as domino and i find her delightful.
the living daylights
enter: timothy dalton. worst. bond. ever. thankfully he only did two movies. i don't find him at all hot or smart or quippy. i can only think of him as the evil nazi guy from the rockateer. (the rocka-who?). you're welcome for that.
it's notable because: it's not. it's just really not. the main chick is dullsville and plays the cello. bleh.
bond memes present: the evils of communism, banging the chick against her will and making her like it, SKIING!, playing cards, car chase
license to kill
despite my hate for timothy dalton, i've always rather liked this one.
it's notable because: he goes "rogue" to avenge his friend felix and same crazy shit happens. there are sharks. frankly, i don't remember the details. is that a good or bad thing? probably bad for you, timothy dalton.
bond memes present: whiiirrrrr.... uh...... probably the same damn stuff that happened in the others, ok?
finally, the era of pierce brosnan! you know i never much cared for him UNTIL we watched all these. there is such a huge jump in the production and plot quality in these newer ones. i never fully appreciated that before– they really are an improvement. brosnan, i take back that slander i said against you as bond. some of it anyway.
goldeneye
excellence.
it's notable because: famke jannsen squeezes people to death with her thighs. an annoying guy clicks a pen a lot. boromir gets all scarred up and goes crazy. they slide around on the giant satellite dish from contact. m is a woman! bond returns to making over-the-top stupid quips, just like it should be.
bond memes present: car chase, SKIING!, communism, ridiculous evil plots, playing cards, whatever
tomorrow never dies
it's notable because: to be honest i forgot all about this one. which was probably a good idea because i hate terri hatcher and the whole media-mogul evil-newspaper man hasn't aged very well now that we have the internet. he races around on a motorcycle. the parts with just bond are pretty good, the female actors aren't fabulous (a recurring brosnan issue). there's underwater fighting, there's always underwater fighting.
bond memes present: this is getting tiring. it's always the same. drink a martini, bang a lady, win at cards, wear a suit, fight crazies and drive a fast car, repeat. with SKIING!
the world is not enough
it's notable because: this movie is not enough! i think i blocked it out of my brain. again, bond is ok, the ladies are AWFUL. denise richards as christmas jones is practically PAINFUL. from imdb: Denise Richards was attracted to the role of Christmas Jones as she found the part to be "brainy", "athletic" and had "depth of character", a change in direction from previous Bond Girls. Audiences did not agree, and often consider Christmas to be the worst Bond Girl ever. This was the first Bond film to win a Razzie (in the category of Worst Supporting Actress), for the same reason. so, there's that. overall a good action movie. pretty cheesy, pretty alright. just close your eyes and ears when you see boobs on the screen.
bond memes present: guess what, fucking SKIING!
are you ready for...
die another day?
it's like they took all the good things about bond and turned them up to 11 so that... well, they aren't so good anymore. this one takes the bond genre from lovably hokey to... what the crap, this is stupid. i'm shamed to admit that for this very reason... i actually like it. it's FUNNY. laughably FUNNY. –just not on purpose.
it's notable because: first, the intro. madonna? techno? naked flaming chicks? guilty fucking pleasure. it rocks my socks off. halle berry, not so much. i know some people obviously think she's super hot but i kind of hate her. ok, i totally hate her. and SHOCKINGLY she's NOT GOOD in this movie. but, moving on, there's fencing! with a madonna cameo! and bond walking all wet and dirty into a hotel to demand service! hilarious! and... an ICE HOTEL! and an INVISIBLE CAR! it jumped the shark baby, and i like it.
bond memes present: is this the one where he jumps out of a plane and surfs away? no, i think that was tomorrow never dies. anyway...
time for the gritty daniel craig bond reboot! which i like because...
casino royale
good. so good.
it's notable because: they start us back at the beginning, with bond's very first mission. he's supposed to be young and dumb and... you know the rest. he foolishly falls in love. he plays in a really really freaking long card game. he's clever and makes quips and looks fancy. all this preceded by one of the best on-foot chase scenes of all time where that crazy parquor guy hops all around. and guess what? NO SKIING. or... UNDERWATER. can you believe it? he does, however, get poisoned and punched in the balls.
quantum of solace
it's notable because: it picks up just where casino royale left off, the first in the series to be a direct sequel. he's mad and he's going for blood. stuff blows up. geoff manthorne from ace of cakes is the bad guy. it's the shortest bond film ever, making it really more of an extension of casino royale than its own thing.
annnnndd... fin. you made it. we made it. we watched them all. in a row. it was crazy, sometimes boring, sometimes awesome, and very repetitive. i still love them but i don't know that i ever want to do that again.
on to the next: king kong, the 2005 version.
ps oh my god this is like the longest post i've ever written. is anyone going to read this??
