monday night after work was the first time i had gotten to really hang out with the jude post-trip. i had seen him, of course, and given him a cuddle, but then it was off to bed.
so after work we lounged and played and did those glorious everyday things that moms and toddlbies do. jon and i sat and talked while jude flitted around on the ground from toy to toy occasionally exclaiming, "Graaaaaabalag!" and eventually he made his way over and stood at the edge of my chair, screaming.
apparently he wanted to be picked up. apparently he now tells jon what he wants to do because if you shout things out he will smile when you get to the option that he wants. he spent the next 20 minutes rolling around on my lap, playing with his toy and pressing in for a good cuddle.
all this just to say:
i belong at home. not because i can't or won't go, but because i don't want to.
i had a good time, there were hours of laughing and laughing, adventure, killer views, and starbucks. and after all my alarm the social anxiety part of things was a non-issue. (that's how it always is, it's the build up that freaks me out. in the heat of the moment i really don't care.) but it didn't feel like... me. i missed home, i missed jon, i missed the kid. the kid who looked so much bigger when i got back.
it's hard to put into words the way i'm feeling. maybe drained is a good way to describe it. i need brownies, and hot tea, and pajamas, and cuddly little boys on fluffy couches. i need to feed my dog and eat a whole pizza and watch yo gabba gabba with toy cars. i'm not sure the effect was quite what i wanted it to be: sure, i feel confident enough to go do things on my own, but i also don't WANT to, more than ever. i know where my heart is, and it belongs to someone else. i'm mama in my soul now and it's too late to stop it.
i'd just call it a lesson learned.