one: in four women

September 2, 2010

let's start at the very beginning, that's a very good place to start...

the story i never told you:

on christmas morning my eyes cracked awake to that thin blueish kind of morning light, the kind where the sun isn't quite up all the way but it's rays are reflected around just enough to bounce on the snow and shine up the joint.  i stared at the ceiling for a while and thought about going back to sleep but couldn't.  i crawled over jon and crept out of bed.

i couldn't go back to sleep because i had bought a pregnancy test the day before, even though it was still a day or two before my expected period.  it was itching at me to give it a try, even though i knew it was early and i probably shouldn't.  not exactly itching with excitement, just itching with that kind of nervousness that only a pregnancy test can bring a girl.  positive? negative? would that be a good thing? or a bad thing?

however in this case it would be a good thing, because we had been officially trying to procreate like, on purpose and stuff, a shocking departure from any year before when if i had been in the same situation i would have been hoping and praying for a negative.  suddenly i was thrown into wanting a positive- and it felt unnatural.

so i woke up early, by myself, and secreted my test into my in-laws bathroom.  there, i peed on it.  does that shock you?  it shouldn't; it's what the directions say to do.  and i sat on the edge of the tub like millions of women before me and stared off into space.  and maybe washed my face.  and walked all over the place.

a few minutes later i finally dragged my limbs over and picked it up, and looked upon it's ugly countenance with much trepidation.  and... it was negative.  only one line.  no plus sign for me.

boo hissssss.

i shuffled my feet back to our room, set the stupid thing onto the dresser, and climbed back into bed.  i woke up jon, and told him it was negative, and cried a little because it's just not fair, but really for no reason at all.  women, always crying for unexplainable reasons, you know?  i couldn't put my finger on exactly why i was crying and it seemed quite irrational– and unlike me.

we fell back asleep for an hour or so and arose later when i could hear the rest of the house stirring too, ready to do christmas things.  i stayed in bed snuggled under the covers and watched jon get dressed, too warm to move.  he went over and looked at the test–

you know that really annoying commercial, the one for digital pregnancy tests, that says that one in four women can't read a traditional pregnancy test?

hiiiiiiiiiiiiiii! nice to meet you.
my name is jamie and i am one in four women.
always buy the digital tests.
this psa is for your emotional safety.  thanks!

–because there was a very very very faint... positive.

oh, bang, you weird dog.

four days later after this photo the jude was born. it's the last photo of me pregnant that we have.
or maybe it isn't.  really, i have no idea.  just go with it, ok?  LOOK, A DOG!

and that was how our journey began.  a year ago today at this moment i was walking.  walking and walking and stumbling and trudging along until i thought i would never move again and then... BAM.  labor was finally here– and 15 hours later, the jude was here too.
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