tonight i'll take my camera and my phone and leave behind my husband, my baby, and my heart so that i can fly to los angeles and hug my friends. which isn't to say that i'm not excited but... the terror, it grips me. i can feel those long icy fingers wrapping around my chest making it hard to breath and i am afraid. i can't say what exactly i'm afraid of, i just know that when we're together i am complete– i am proud and brave and powerful and joyful and when we aren't... well, i don't know what i am. and that scares me.
but that's also part of the purpose of my journey, here on my blog and now, in real life. i'm trying to take those steps towards finding out what it's like to just be me, and only me. not that i don't know who i am, because i do. maybe i'm not explaining this right– the terror i feel when i'm out in public alone– i have to battle it. i have to go through it and come out the other side intact. i have to be able to do it without them, without my security blanket. it may be the most important journey in my life at this moment.
this probably sounds insane to someone who hasn't come to blows with the demon that is anxiety, but it's the best way i know how to explain it. when we're together i am normal, i am complete; when i am alone i am afraid. not afraid of any one thing, just afraid. afraid of new situations; afraid of the unknown. afraid of anything that is going to happen that i haven't anticipated, questions i don't know the answer to.
...well, that was unexpected. i wasn't really planning to talk about that, but my heart took over against my will.
anyway, it's the first time i'll be leaving the jude. for his entire life i have been there, watching over him, every hour, every night, every moment. we've never spent a night out or away, and now this. but i rationalize that it is good for me. that jon knows exactly what to do to take excellent care of him and that it's important for me to take care of me too. and that yes, it's ok for me to go out and have some fun on my own.
but the guilt, the guilt! it plagues me. i'm not going away for work. i'm going away for fun. fun that the other half of my heart doesn't get to experience. fun my best friend won't be there for and i have an enormously hard time enjoying myself knowing that he isn't.
jon says i'm being silly. and i am. and i know it, but i'm powerless to stop it from churning through my head.
this whole thing was his idea, you know. i had been so so sad to miss blogher this year and i didn't think i'd make it to blogger beer summit either. money and schedules and work and life. without telling me jon got together with the bbs girls and bought me a ticket to LA. non-refundable. because i need this and he always knows better than i do what i need. he knows it before i know it.
so tonight i fly to LA and hug my friends. and i'll try not to cry when i leave my baby behind. i know they will be great without me. (and if you're not great please don't call and tell me! the tears!) and i'll sit in the airport alone, and fly alone, and arrive alone, because i can do that. maybe. my brain tells me i can. my guts scream otherwise.
but it's time now to set these thoughts aside and try to snap my brain into vacation mode. because what's the point in all this heartache if i don't have a REALLY BADASS AWESOME KICKASS TIME, you know? these moments are too fleeting to waste them. i need to turn that key in my mind to flip into relax mode, which seems so very much harder now that i am the mama.
parents, when did you first leave your baby overnight? was it seamless? was it horrible? was it early? was it late? distract me while the clock counts down to flight time.
September 16, 2010
tonight we're alone
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