the longest goodbye

October 12, 2010

i've written quite candidly throughout our story about how much i hate pumping at work (see here here here and here) .  i see the need for it, and i'm crushingly strict about scheduling it at the office and getting it done, but truly i hate it.  i have zero plans to stop breastfeeding but... i've been starting to consider dropping the pump during the day.  it's been on my mind, just sitting there at the back of my skull waiting for me to acknowledge it.

i'm ready, i'm so so so ready.  it's such a hassle.  we're past a year and jude is a hearty eater.  i'm sure if i cut down on the milk i send with him he would just eat another handful of cantaloupe and move on.  what's holding me back is that our routine is just so good the way it is.  things are smooth and easy and everyone is getting what they need.  my body is producing the perfect amount.  i worry that if i drop those pumping sessions things will spin wildly out of control.  my supply will disappear!  the world will end!  the sky is falling!

it's a wee bit of an irrational fear.  i know that.  i'm a worrier!  jesus people, don't you know what to expect from me by now?

i've heard from moms who were able to (at various ages) stop pumping during the day and continue to breastfeed on demand at home.  mentally, i know it's possible.  emotionally it's a little more intimidating.  i think it's time to make the leap– to put a little more faith in my body and slowly inch out into deeper water.  my boobs have gotten us this far, i need to trust that they aren't going to quit on me now.  maybe they just need a pep talk– more likely i need the pep talk.

over the next few weeks i'm going to start phasing out one of my daytime sessions and see how it goes.  and then another, and then another, until the sweet taste of freedom hits my lips nips.  it's time to let go of the controls and let my body take care of itself.  it doesn't need me meddling up in its business anymore.

i'll keep you posted if anything exciting happens, but hopefully by christmas i will be able to put the pump away in the closet and say goodbye to its ugly face.  jude and i can continue on our journey free of mechanical interruption.  truthfully i look forward to flipping the switch from manual to auto-pilot and letting things happen as they may, devil-may-care.  i'm a rebel like that.  a scary transition, but hopefully a freeing one.

starting today. tomorrow. next week.

oh, fuck it.
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