apparently i'm trying to kill myself

November 10, 2010

i've noticed recently that i hold my breath.  i was sitting at a traffic light and suddenly realized, "oh hey!  i haven't breathed in a while.  you know, that air thing that we need to survive?  i wonder if i should do that.  should i be concerned..."  and as i contemplated i continued to... hold my breath.  and then eventually i forgot all about it and i assume that at some point i started breathing again.  unless i'm a zombie.  which i am not, unless oreo cakesters are made of people.

now that it's on my radar i've noticed myself doing it other times too, fairly regularly throughought the day.  when i realize that it's happening it's not because i'm in pain, either– i don't suddenly need to gasp for air.  i'm just sitting there... not breathing.  no big deal.  so, my question is this: how long has this been going on?  and WHY, WHY would i do this?

do i just need less air than most people?  am i just a really efficient breather?  i have an amazing set of lungs and a circulatory system of steel! wraaah!  i do generally seem to breathe less-often than other people.  especially people on workout tapes.  if i try to match my breathing to the instructor's innnn, ouuutt, i almost always hyperventilate.  is that even a thing, a 'very efficient breather?'  i highly doubt that could be the explanation since i get winded walking up a few flights of stairs.  i do breathe at those times though, which i guess is good.

grace in small things: i breathe while going up stairs.

i consulted my esteemed and trusted long-time physician in this matter, dr. googles MD, and he revealed to me the trials and tribulations of another "non-breather" whom we shall call "alex" and i must continue this sentence right now with more words because i don't like to put the period inside the quotations, even though i know logically that is where it belongs.  IT DOESN'T FEEL GOOD, GRAMMAR.  IT JUST DOESN'T.

alex writes in to dr. k googlies MD, "Sometimes when I notice i am breathing i start to have to think to breathe then when I forget about it my breathing is automatic. Is that normal or weird? Im kinda worried that this isnt normal and if i keep doing this by accident then my body wont have automatic breathing anymore, its soooo annoying."

dr. javier12 responds, "Count your breathing in one minute while U are resting. if it is round about 18 U are quite normal. If it goes Higher than 25 - 30 then U are sick and U should visit a doctor."

good news then.  we have established that i am "not sick."  because i certainly don't take more than 25 breaths per minute, more like... 9.  i'm glad dr. j12 was there to let me in on that helpful guideline, though apparently by his standards if you were breathing 0 times i minute you'd be just golden.

memo re: breathing
to: all staff
from:  dr. jiggity-j 123
attention medical staff!  send all patients breathing less than 25 times a minute home.  even the dead ones.  they're cleared for takeoff.  we're good.

dr. da bomb also weighed in on alex's case though, with this gem, "This is normal behavior when you are young. Your body will automatically breathe and thinking about it won't make it stop. Don't obsess about it and you'll be fine."

according to dr. da bomb, it's completely normal to have to remind yourself to breathe, you're just young, after all.  it takes some practice.  i'm going to start popping into jude's room and night and screaming, "ARE YOU REMINDING YOURSELF TO BREATHE!?" just in case he forgot.  in fact, maybe that's my problem.  mother, you never reminded me to breathe when i was young and now i haven't learned how.  thanks a lot.

i brought this up to jon a while ago and he replied that he hadn't noticed.  to be honest he seemed downright unconcerned.  woe is me, internet, trapped in a loveless marriage such as this where my husband doesn't count my breaths for me and worry about their constant continuation.

perhaps my subconscious has a death wish i am not aware of.  perhaps it is because i am out of oreo cakesters.  next time you see me, you should probably make sure i'm drawing air into my lungs, you know, the whole automatic motor function thing.  i could use an extra pair of eyes on the situation.

but just in case of emergency, bring cakesters.
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