and now, so can you.
things @thegrumbles has favorited on her the twitter(will there be more editions? i don't know, depends on if you like it or not. assholes. how entertaining is it really to read a bunch of quotes from other people that someone else found funny? frankly, i'm not convinced this is worth your time, but you read and decide. i'm already smiling, and that's what matters. FUCK YOUR SMILES, READERS, MY SMILES ARE MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOURS.
...ok, not really. i care pretty deeply about your smiles too. you whores.)
PEOPLE THINK MARMADUKE IS SO BIG. TO ME HE MEDIUM-SIZED. HILARIOUS, BUT MEDIUM. -@MEBIGFOOT
Every morning I wake up and pray that someday squirrels will be extinct. -@JoeyBiden
I think Applebee's slogan should be "eatin' goo in the neighborhoo." -@LOD
Henry: "Robbers will steal from you if you have a fancy purse." He glances into my bag. "You're okay. Your bag is full of crap." -@finslippy
At 8:30am Chase's fraud department calls about a "suspicious" charge on my Visa. A 99 cent purchase from something called "iTunes."-@JoshuaGates
What're they saying when the catcher goes out to talk to the pitcher? "Try to strike this guy out. Yeah, I KNOW it's hard. But I love you." -@lateandsoon
I just saw an old woman with a live cat who was wearing a t-shirt perched on her shoulder.
The woman was talking to the cat in a quiet but disappointed way. Like the cat asked for a sweater and the lady was all "No, you can't have that sweater. Did you see what you did to your last shirt?"
"This is why we can't have nice things, shoulder-cat." -@thebloggess
Did most people avoid taking English in high school that's the only reason I can come up with for all the run-on sentences i like cookies. -@athenabee
For the record, briefs. Evil briefs. -@darthvader
What Victoria thinks she's saying: "You are the meanest daddy!" What she's really saying: "Yes, a nap would be lovely. Thank you." -@awrightbrian
I like to think of foursquare as a tool to avoid the kind of people who would use it. "Wow, Target is asshole central right now. No thanks!" -@thecheckoutgirl
On the internet, no matter how complicated your work, you're only a click away from a cat playing a piano. -@mediamum
- I once had Twizzler ice cream at Cold Stone. It was a soft, disgusting mouthful of disappointment. Just like Twizzlers. #candyclub -@sgnp
Pie for breakfast. #fuckyeahbitch -@thecheapbastard
What's really awesome is when the furnace repair guy shows up at the door and the toddler screams "DADDY!"
Dude gets points, though, for his response: "Guess it's been a while since I've been here. What's your name again?" -@herbadmother
Tip of the day: When someone asks you to hold, scream, "I hate you!" It's worked twice already today. That's how you get things done. -@mayopie
Say, whatever happened to our baby? That little dude was hilarious. -@fireland
ADOBE CREATIVE SUITE 5??? MORE LIKE ADOBE *CRAPPY SOFTWARE* 5 HURF BURF SUCKING ALL THE DICKS AT WIRED -@yellingbird
There's a hipster next to me at Starbucks who is LOSING HIS MIND because he cannot navigate the touch screen of his iPhone. It's AMAZING -@yesthisisjam
Once a day for the last 4 days, a man has called me and said "Hey, Sam!" when I answer. I am not sam. Write it down or something. -@rachspan
Elderly female customer w/walker to her nurse-"I just wish everybody I hate would die". It's like looking into my future. -@thecheckoutgirl
Whenever I see someone writing in a notebook I position myself nearby and yell, "DEAR DIARY, TODAY WAS SIMPLY MAGICAL!!" Try it. It's fun! -@trumpetcake