looks like we made it

November 8, 2010

one year ago i packed up my bag after my maternity leave and i went back to work.  i left the jude behind with his milk and his blanket and a kiss for his head.  the first day was terrible, and teary, and nothing felt right, but gradually it got easier.  as he got older and i got mellower it became a welcome part of our routine, giving me the space to think about something besides wee-baby-schedules and him the chance to meet friends, learn new things, and play in the dirt.  there's a constant internal struggle with leaving him behind, but it's been great for me, for him– for us, so truly i have no complaints.

one year ago i pumped at the office to bring home milk for the jude's next day.  every work day, for this entire year, i have pumped at the office to bring home milk for the jude's next day.  one year.  when we reached one year of breastfeeding i was pleased, of course, but not excited.  i never really had any doubts about us making it that far unless it was at his own request.  but a year, one year, of pumping at work feels like a true accomplishment.  the struggles, the office drama, the schedules, the storage and washing and supply and demand and the worry, oh the worry.

we made it.

maybe it's not very PC of me but i want a badge, or a trophy, or a smelly A+ sticker or something.  because this shit is hard to do for a year, balancing the office and the baby and the milks all in one.

now as i am slowly transitioning down my sessions i feel like i have to re-learn life without the pump.  i'm so accustomed to the schedule, to the routine.  my hands move automatically to unpack my bag and set up the parts, motions practiced so many times now i could do them in my sleep.  beyond habit into muscle memory.  first i had to learn to accept life with the pump; now i must learn to adjust to life without it.

i'm ready to stop, more than ready, it's just... odd.  i've worried for so long about how to keep going that it seems unnatural to think about how to stop.  after doing it 780+ times i'm not even sure i know how to stop.  (gradually, and yes, it's going fine, though i'm still doing several sessions a day.)

but, today is not about that it's just about this:
one year.  we made it one year.  *i* made it one year.

no^ BREAST-PUMP PARTY!!!!!!!!!
woot woot!

tune in tomorrow for a very special pumping-mama giveaway, in honor of our one year.  i'm super psyched about this one and i think you will be too.  unless you're a dude, and then well, maybe not.  unless you like it freaky-deaky-style.  then uh... game on.
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