hello normally lovely tree, i've never wanted to cut you down so bad.
the elder bugs, while completely harmless and with no bite or stink or nests... are everywhere. and somehow, just like ladybugs, they manage to get into the house despite my best efforts to keep them out. we have lovely new tightly-sealed windows and they STILL squeeze their way in around the edges. when i see them outside i stomp all over them in a wild fit of rage.
what's frustrating about them isn't that they exist (they're so boring as to be practically little pieces of paper), it's that they just. keep. coming. every few days i run around the house like a lunatic sucking them up with the vacuum and finding their sad little paper bodies around the windows. minutes– SECONDS, even, after i finish i'll sit down on the couch and one will bebop right past me, crawling very slowly over the carpet. defeat is inevitable. poor jon is always telling me to just ignore them, and i've gotten better about it, but around this time of year i think they're purposely trying to goad me over the edge.
it looks clean, doesn't it? it's a trick. there are probably 10 of those fucking bugs
hiding just out of sight in this picture. those harmless assholes.
sunday i was sitting in my pajamas watching the jude walk around the front room (we call it, the fancy room). i was watching him with both eyes, as he has a knack for finding tiny metal objects and putting them in his mouth, both eyes, with my third eye checking twitter. because you'd never catch me checking twitter while watching the jude play. never catch me because i have to hide the phone or else he goes WILD asking to watch the muppets. i'm perfect. anyways.
the jude walked his way over to me on the couch to tell me something, probably PAH-PEE BABOO GRAMAMALSDA! but as he talked i was not listening at all, transfixed because there was something black stuck on his bottom front teeth. it was a split second in slow motion as i was thinking, "what IS that... what is THAT... there's something stuck there... what is it... wait, IS THAT A BUG?"
in real time i yelled, "BUG, A BUUUUUG" and swiped my finger into the danger-zone that is a toddlby's mouth, flinging bug parts across the room.
while i think we're all aware that there could be worse infestations, but sad clown that toddlby tried to eat a bug. don't they all do this at some point? i keep consoling myself by thinking about the stories i've heard of toddlers eating worse things, including things they've picked out of the potty
bugs: they aren't so bad.
RIGHT. RIGHT?!??! tell me it's alright. it's uh... protein or something.
these events were immediately preceded by bang throwing up an entire pair of my favorite underwear. it was not one of my best days.