one year of breastfeeding

when we began our breastfeeding journey together i didn't have any particular goal in mind.  i just thought well, here we go.  and go we did and all was well.  we've been remarkably blessed (or LUCKY, as i prefer to call it) with a smooth-as-silk nursing journey and so, without too many bumps in the road, we finish our first year.

one year!  more than 3,300 meals: more than 700 office-y pumping sessions: more than 2,500 moments at mother's breast.  what's that, like 1,600 hours spent nursing maybe?  it's a full time job, yo.

it truly is a journey.  both jude and i had to learn what we were doing in the beginning.  we had to learn to work together- him learning how to eat the foods and telling me when; me learning to pick up on those cues and connect the dots.  he was sleepy at first and had to be stripped down to his skivvies to eat.  and eat he did– waaaaaaay more often than i was prepared for.  hours and hours spent on the couch with the boppy.  nights spent nursing on my side in bed.  i was shell shocked by the time-suck.  but slowly, after a few months, we we're both old pros.  and now, twelve months later, he can be in and out in a flash.  what used to take 40-50 minutes now takes 5.

the transition from fourth-trimester wiggly newborn to active boy happened so gradually that i wasn't even aware of all the little changes happening until one day... he no longer fits on my boppy, though he still likes to use it and just kicks his legs off the side; he points to my breast and squeals with joy; he crawls over of his own accord at eating time and waits to be picked up into my lap.

beyond our journey together it has been a pretty huge change in myself.  i've mentioned it here before that pre-pregnancy i was that girl, creeped out by a lady breastfeeding in public.  certainly grossed out by breastfeeding a toddler.  the more i learned, watched, and listened to the awesome women around me the more my mind grew and changed.  i wasn't wrong to feel that way before (well, yeah, i was)– but more just uneducated.  i got educated.  i've read more about breastfeeding than i'd care to admit.  a year later i truly feel experienced and knowledgeable.  definitely no longer "grossed out" and excited about continuing to breastfeed my baby/toddler.  (baddler? toddlby? we need a name for this stage.)

where do we go from here?  that i do know.  i don't see the point in introducing milk from a cow, made perfectly for a baby cow, when he has milk from a mama, perfect nutrition just for him.  (however he does eat dairy, through both cheese and yogurt.)  and this time, i do have a little bit of a goal: i want to continue to nurse until jude decides he's done, baby-led weaning style (as we've already begun introducing table foods to him), BUT– secretly, in my heart, i'd kinda like to make it to two years.  WHO recommended minimum.  at this point he's about 60% breastmilk 40% table foods.  man, he loves the foods.  i do fear a little bit that he'll wean earlier because he LOVES the FOODS so MUCH, but then other days he tucks in for a good ol' nursing session with mama and all is right with the world.  we'll find our balance.

we will continue until it no longer works for both of us, whether that is two more months or twenty.  and i'm very, very happy with that.

one: really fun giveaway

are you ready for the good stuff?  i've been holding my breath for this all week.

in honor of celebrating the jude's very first birthday with all of you we're giving away...

a mei tai baby carrier

but not just any mei tai, a handmade mei tai.  (by me, of course!)
(non-parents don't leave yet, i have something for you too.)

i'm a baby-wearing fool but jude was just getting too big for our moby wrap and too heavy for long periods in the ring sling... what to do... what to do...

so i made a mei tai for the jude a few weeks ago when i was despairing that i couldn't afford an ergo or a babyhawk.  i found a pattern, bought some fabric, and sewed like mad.  in a week or so i'll post a mei tai how-to but let me warn you- it is not for the faint of heart.  it's an "advanced" sewing project.

regardless- it turned out amazing and we've been using it like crazy.  in front carry, in back carry, all over the carry.  and i have just enough fabric left to make one more, for you.



here's the deets: it's a reversible mei tai, meaning one side is plain and manly and one side is pretty and girly.



it has shoulder padding, waist strap padding, and little kid arm-rest padding.



the fabric is super-high quality twill, double stitched with heavy duty thread and should be good up to 40+ lbs. it's very comfortable and i've worn jude in it for up to 2+ hours without a problem– also! ideal for breastfeeding on the go.   it'll come with instructions.

...

... but wait...

i have more.

i'm also giving away:

• one PUL fleece-lined diaper cover (also handmade by me)
• three year-of-the-jude special mix CDs

and...

• one special handmade surprise.  i can't tell you what it is yet because it will be just for you, its lucky winner. (you can check out what previous secret-surprise winners won here and here.)

so there are SIX chances to win. six chances for me to say THANK YOU for your support this year and show you how special you are.

here's what you need to do:

1.  comment on any of the ONE: posts from this week. if you already did, you've already entered once! (or some of you, more than once!)

2.  you can enter one comment per post, extra entry if you go on twitter and tell everyone how much you love me and how i should be internet famous.

3.  don't have a baby and don't want a diaper cover or mei tai but still want that other stuff? just mark your entry NO BABY NO BABY.

i'll draw the winners next friday at noon.  go forth, comment, and spread the love.

you are loved. happy birthday, the jude!

one: letter to jude

dear jude,

today is your very first birthday.

one year ago today you made your entrance into our lives.  i remember the first moment that you were there and they lifted you up and put you on my chest, hot and slick and wet and squirmy.  no one cried, your dad and i just looked at you and couldn't believe it....

holy. shit.

because you were here.

and you looked like this:



today, you looked like this:

what a year.

you went from barely a little lump of grumpy mush to... a little boy.

these days you confidently cruise around every room holding on to every surface. you're too intimidated to step out on your own, even though i'm convinced you could do it if you tried. but you don't want to, and you will. not. be. forced.  you bounce up and down when you hear music. you slide off the couch legs-first, just like i taught you and stand at the table drinking out of your own cup.



you feed yourself handfuls and fistfuls of foods. anything– you'll eat it. it's the one time you get truly demanding, when it's time to eat. you MUST HAVE FOODS NAO NOM NOM NOM pound pound pound scream. you love eating, just as it should be.  foodies for life, yo.

in between eating bbq chicken quesadillas you drink milks from the milks, and grow big and strong on the perfect food made just for you and you alone.

you have two teeth now, just barely. really one and a half. and you wear shoes! but hate hats.

this is exactly what it is to be one. wild and crazy and so happy
and also kind of... out of control, like an old drunk hobo. strange, but lovely.

you hate to have your diaper changed for some reason and scream and kick and scream– unless we give you a wipe. it's the magic key to diaper compliance. why? i do not know.  you love balls and bears and dogs and blocks.  animal from the muppet show can make you laugh every. time. which makes my heart ache with cuteness.  such small things bring you ultimate joy.



you follow bang around the living room yelling do-do-do-dog-g-g-g and in your eyes she can do no wrong, she's the best and brightest and most exciting best friend you could ever have.



you're in a twilight world right now; definitely not a baby, not yet a toddler. you cruise but don't walk- you say words but don't talk. i can see how difficult it is for you to have so many desires and not be able to tell us what you want. sorry kid, i think we're going to have to deal with that problem for a while. i do my best to be understanding and work with you when you're flipping out because we're JUST NOT DOING exactly WHAT YOU WANT.

but you're a happy thing, so generally it's not a problem. one year later i'm still stuck on the first word i used to describe you- zen. you take it all in, absorb it in stride, and move on. i love that about you, it grounds me.



so, here we are, one year later. you've grown impossibly big, and i know you will every year after. every day after that first day was one move closer to independence, one tiny step at a time. some days it feels like we'll never get there and some days the time runs through my fingers so fast and i can't make it stop and i want to cry at how it speeds by me.

you've made us a family, and it truly feels like we are an inseparable unit.



you're weird and goofy and have the funniest laugh, like a little old man. heh heh heh you grumble in your very deep dinosaur voice, even funnier when you're overcome with tickles.

on days like today when you seem so very big it's humbling to think about how much you've changed in a single year.  if i ever want to go back to that tiny baby that kicked me in the ribs all i have to do is sneak into your room at night. you sleep on your stomach with your legs curled up underneath you and your ankles crossed, just the same way you did when you were growing inside me. sometimes i touch that spot on my stomach just below my ribs where your heel was always pressing out at me and wonder how you went from in there to so big out here.

nope, not a baby.  maybe a beach hobo?  we'll see.

the very first year of your life has been the very best of mine.

love,

mama

happy birthday, jude from the grumbles on Vimeo.

one: in four women

let's start at the very beginning, that's a very good place to start...

the story i never told you:

on christmas morning my eyes cracked awake to that thin blueish kind of morning light, the kind where the sun isn't quite up all the way but it's rays are reflected around just enough to bounce on the snow and shine up the joint.  i stared at the ceiling for a while and thought about going back to sleep but couldn't.  i crawled over jon and crept out of bed.

i couldn't go back to sleep because i had bought a pregnancy test the day before, even though it was still a day or two before my expected period.  it was itching at me to give it a try, even though i knew it was early and i probably shouldn't.  not exactly itching with excitement, just itching with that kind of nervousness that only a pregnancy test can bring a girl.  positive? negative? would that be a good thing? or a bad thing?

however in this case it would be a good thing, because we had been officially trying to procreate like, on purpose and stuff, a shocking departure from any year before when if i had been in the same situation i would have been hoping and praying for a negative.  suddenly i was thrown into wanting a positive- and it felt unnatural.

so i woke up early, by myself, and secreted my test into my in-laws bathroom.  there, i peed on it.  does that shock you?  it shouldn't; it's what the directions say to do.  and i sat on the edge of the tub like millions of women before me and stared off into space.  and maybe washed my face.  and walked all over the place.

a few minutes later i finally dragged my limbs over and picked it up, and looked upon it's ugly countenance with much trepidation.  and... it was negative.  only one line.  no plus sign for me.

boo hissssss.

i shuffled my feet back to our room, set the stupid thing onto the dresser, and climbed back into bed.  i woke up jon, and told him it was negative, and cried a little because it's just not fair, but really for no reason at all.  women, always crying for unexplainable reasons, you know?  i couldn't put my finger on exactly why i was crying and it seemed quite irrational– and unlike me.

we fell back asleep for an hour or so and arose later when i could hear the rest of the house stirring too, ready to do christmas things.  i stayed in bed snuggled under the covers and watched jon get dressed, too warm to move.  he went over and looked at the test–

you know that really annoying commercial, the one for digital pregnancy tests, that says that one in four women can't read a traditional pregnancy test?

hiiiiiiiiiiiiiii! nice to meet you.

my name is jamie and i am one in four women.

always buy the digital tests.

this psa is for your emotional safety.  thanks!

–because there was a very very very faint... positive.

four days later after this photo the jude was born. it's the last photo of me pregnant that we have.
or maybe it isn't.  really, i have no idea.  just go with it, ok?  LOOK, A DOG!

and that was how our journey began.  a year ago today at this moment i was walking.  walking and walking and stumbling and trudging along until i thought i would never move again and then... BAM.  labor was finally here– and 15 hours later, the jude was here too.

one: chili cheese coney

saturday night we went to the free movies on the square downtown with the scooter club.  well, technically they scooted down and then jude and i met up with them post-ride.  they generally frown upon taking babies on scoots and motorcycles, you know.



we watched happy feet in lawn chairs and brought chicken kabobs with us from home for a downtown picnic.



jude had his own little camping table to bebop around, which he loved. he couldn't seem to understand why i didn't want him crawling around on the pavement next to a bunch of pigeons. babies man, you just can't reason with them.



it was one of the first nights this summer we've really been able to hang out outside because it's been so blazing hot. so it was lovely, despite the fact that we had to watch happy feet. it's not one of my favorites.



and the jude got to stay up waaaaaay past his bed time and watch footloose.

at one point jon was off riding someone else's scoot and i stepped away to say hi to some friends, leaving jude with one of our scoot friends. (he's a doctor, ok? i figured the kid would be safe for two minutes. and he was.)


but this is what i came back to:



one messy little person, eating the leftovers of a chili cheese coney.



what mama, am i not supposed to do this?
go ahead dude, it's fine.



don't waste any.