this morning at work i got up, walked across the street, and bought myself some coffee. cheap convenience store coffee that is burning my mouth.
for most people this wouldn't be notable, but this is one of only a handful of times i've ever done it. i hate going places alone, even places i've been 100 times. it goes beyond "i don't like to do that" and morphs into something else, something stronger, something i can't control, something that curls up around my lungs and roots me in place.
people are always telling me, "good god, just get up and go do it!" because what self-respecting adult can't walk across the street to the convenience store by themselves? i don't think they'll ever be able to understand. logic has nothing to do with it. my desire has nothing to do with it. how badly i want to has nothing to do with it. i can't make my legs move, i can't do it. most days i admit defeat to anxiety and it crushes me, it's more than i can overcome.
this morning i stood up at my desk and took a step towards my coat. one step– and then i was frozen. i hovered there, standing awkwardly for a minute, two minutes, longer, trapped in place, unable to will my limbs to move any further. in a flash i snapped up my coat and brushed out. i walked briskly so the little fingers couldn't catch me and hold me in place.
i stepped outside and the coldness of the air bit my face. i tucked my hands in my pockets. i padded around the corner in my little yellow shoes.
last night the jude reared back in a flop of epic proportions and hit me directly in the face with his skull. i tasted the spread of blood in my mouth and within seconds my lip had swollen to epic proportions.
this morning if you didn't know what had happened you would never guess. my lip looks, for all intents and purposes, as normal as ever. but i can feel it, i can feel where he fell, i can feel the tissue pushing in a unnatural direction, i can feel the ache in my teeth.
no one can see it, but i still know it's there.