you are responsible for your own happiness

February 22, 2011

i made those red velvet cookies that i posted about on my facebook page over the weekend. they are... meh. i didn't feel like searching out expensive natural red food coloring so they are actually little brown velvet cookies. i know the red doesn't add any flavor but... they're lacking. maybe if they had more FUN! their boring little cocoa taste wouldn't be so disappointing. maybe they just need sprinkles.

i'm learning to knit. i'm making jon a scarf, a long one, and it's taking a billion and a half years. by the time i'm done with it spring will be here and there will be no one to wear it. which begs the question, why, why am i learning to knit things no one will care about? i don't know, but i like to keep my fingers busy. it gives me something to do and it keeps me awake in the evenings so i don't fall asleep at lame o'clock. (i joined ravelry, and i have no idea what i'm doing. i found patterns, but don't know how to read them! wheeee!)

i feel like i'm searching, searching for something to distract me from the struggles i've been having with this stupid season. work is hard right now and it's really getting me down. each day feels like defeat. my partnership with jon is having parenting growing-pains. nothing i own fits me and it makes me feel ridiculous. i'm unsure of myself, my job, my home, you, and yesterday's lame post. just about the only thing i am sure about is the jude. he's a bright and shining star he is. he lights me up.

i love him, it's true. but i've realized that my love for jude just can't compare to my love and relationship with jon. i feel about jon something so deep and overwhelming and all-encompassing that nothing will ever be able to hold a candle. it's a different kind of thing so it's not a fair comparison, but it makes me think on destiny and love and souls and fire and all the things that magnetically draw us together. –in our day-to-day lives it doesn't seem to matter. lost in routine and schedule; do this fold that; sleep eat repeat.

i write like this and delete it. i don't want you to know how lonely i am. no one likes to read sad things so i backspace them out of existence. but instead of making me feel better it just makes me feel more alone.

i'll try to write eloquent poignant stories and make you laugh and show you pictures, because those are the things i love to do. and tell you about the jude, of course, because i can't seem to encapsulate his wonder properly so i have to keep trying until finally, one day, i capture his essence.

i keep myself busy doing things that make me happy, and i wait for this nonsense to pass. i'm tired of feeling this way and i'm ready to just skip to the good stuff, the laughing, the sunshine, the simple things that make me smile. there are so many things that i love, that i'm happy about. i just want to enjoy them and not worry about things. worrying isn't getting me anyplace i want to go and neither is guilt. rather than wait for something to happen i think it's time to make it happen. i have that power, and so do you. i choose to be at peace.


i feel better already, don't you?
grab your own bright button over in the sidebar. i needed one.
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