green monster

June 6, 2011

clackers.

Confession: Sometimes I wish I could stay at home with the Jude. So many of the ladies I know are stay at home moms and spend all day with their kids. They're there for every moment, they don't miss a beat. Yes, it is sometimes painful for me to watch others live that dream out. And complain about it. My child spends 7 gleeful hours a day at someone else's house. On the bad days that stings my heart and my eyes.

But whoa whoa whoa whoa– let's back up here. He spends 7 hours having fun, learning new things, interacting with other kids, and making little friends. I would argue 100% that it has been a positive force for all of us. So am I sorry about that? Hell no! Jude has flourished at Awesome Babysitters and she is like a heavenly angel sent from starbucks.

And my job? I LIKE my job. How many people are lucky enough to say that? I love what I do. That's special, that's worth sacrifice. If there's nothing better I can impart on the Jude do what you love seems like a pretty awesome life lesson. I like my job and I like working. Those hours we're apart drive me to be better when we're together. They make me want to be present each moment and as good as I can be. Moments when I am me refocus me towards being a good us.

monday.

Two working parents works for us. Things are great! We are all very happy! Even if we could afford for one of us to stay home a.) I wouldn't and b.) Jon would. So in a perfect world scenario? I still wouldn't be at home full-time. In part that makes it feel like an even dirtier thing to say: I get jealous. Jeal-ous.

Despite full confidence that what we're doing is right it can be hard to watch a play-by-play of others living what I'm missing out on. Most days I don't care. Every once in a while it really gets under my skin and I just have to look away. Oddly it's happened more lately than it did when Jude was a true baby-baby-newborn. Back then I had tunnel vision, I couldn't even let in those kind of thoughts or I would completely break down. I could only exist in the world of baby and office and pumping and making it work.

{Just so I can get this off my chest: I know there are those proponents of staying at home who will always say, but you CAN, you just have to cut xxx yyy from your budget and you clearly aren't living frugally and coupons and blah blah blah... Unless we'd like to live without electricity water or food, yes, I MUST work. Bless your husband and his paycheck that you take for granted, you rusty crank.}

coffee run = fluffy parka

I imagine it's all part of the normal grass-is-greener thing. Working moms want to be at home with their babies; stay at home moms would like to drink coffee at a desk quietly for 30 minutes. We've found a balance that works for our family and I'm grateful for that. I'm grateful too that my friends are able to make the choice that is feels best for them, a lot of them staying at home with their families. We each have to find that mix of what works. Even with it working so well I sometimes wander into that dark cave where the green eyed monster lives and let it rage about never getting to fix snack or have lap-naps or have another baby because what the hey! I'm home already anyway.

If I invite the monster out of that dark cave for coffee and a rational talk in the light it's evident that I know where I belong. For all my daydreaming I like what we're doing now and I don't want to that to change one iota. Things are just so right the way they are. My destiny is for a different life, without snack time, but one that I do love. That is just perfect... most days.

together
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