please note: I am totally crazy

July 12, 2011

Even on a bad day I can typically prattle on about some nonsense or another until I feel like I've accomplished something. When practice makes perfect not every post is a carefully polished masterpiece. It's a fact I've learned to accept and even embrace about this weird medium I work in.

Maybe if I were one of those once-a-month posters all my shit would be golden pools of unicorn tears that make you laugh and cry and love, but I'm not. I like to catalog the daily grind with all its ups and downs and whatever happens between and in between my best work are a lot of heavy metals.

BUT– apparently there IS one thing out there that will give me true writer's block, nothing-to-say-leave-me-aloner's block. A fight with Jon. Fight with Jon! Pow pow!

We only fight about once a year as things in our relationship are relatively blissful. The down side is that when we do it is dirty and ugly and sad for all involved and then leaves me in a funk for days. On the other hand, our weird system works for us and optimum homeostasis has been reachieved. Hey man, other people's relationships are weird.

As a result of the marital discussions we had to talk about blogher. I could blame it on the marathon shopping trip I dragged him along on Saturday but dude has five sisters for christ's sake, he's no stranger to shopping. (I bought a tshirt that says AWWWW YEAHHHH for $1.00. I'm gettin' wild up in here with my fashionability. Did I buy party dresses? No. Did I buy a ratty old tshirt for $1.00? Yes.)
And anyway, at one point things went like this:

"Well I thought I could talk to YOU about blogher, because I can't talk to anyone else about it." (sniffle snuff)

"Wait, why can't you talk to anyone else about it?"

"Because the internet gets all, 'whine whine, you talk about blogher too much, I don't care, you're boring, shut up already annoying blogher people.'"

"It's twitter. Everyone talks about what's going on, and what's going on is that you're getting ready for blogher. That's stupid."

And it's like he has a point or something.

If I had planned a big trip to Hawaii months in advance I would talk the hell out of it and I would not feel bad. So why do I feel guilty now? I don't want to alienate people because I'm excited about going, but the pressure I'm feeling to not talk about it because other people might get their precious porcelain adult feelings hurt is just this side of alligator ridiculous. And bizarrely most of that pressure is only in my own head. (A little of it actually exists in real life. And that's dumb.)

I remember so painfully what it was like last year to watch everyone having fun that I don't want to make anyone else feel that way. Consequently I seem to have forbidden myself from being too publicly excited. Note: I am totally crazy. I thought maybe I could bypass all this by way of discussing the jealous bleach early on, but it really hasn't seemed to help. I suppose it's nice that I don't want to hurt people's feelings and everything but this is taking it a little too far.

So in order to work out my weird hangup I'm trying a more direct approach: I hereby give myself full permission to freak out, girl squee, and talk about blogher to my heart's content. Everyone else is an adult and they can handle their own feelings accordingly (and probably just ignore me).

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