UR DOING IT WRONG

August 4, 2011

Since I'm away at blogher snobbily rubbing elbows with tens of jaunty hobos I met behind the hotel while searching for an unoccupied toilet to jump up and down in I've asked my friend Michele to share one of her favorite posts from her blog Professional Gremlin Wrangler. Michele once described her very bad dog's nose with, "BUBBLES IN MY SNORT!!!!" and ever since that day I can't stop thinking about my snort as a snort. Snort. Laugh, you need it.
xoxoxox- your teetering tottering homesick leader

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Here I will begin the first chapter of my new Parenting Guide, Parenthood: Everyone is Doing Everything Wrong. Note, this guide may not be for everyone, but reading it MAY SAVE YOUR CHILD'S LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!

CHAPTER ONE: THE BEGINNING

Birthing your baby:
When the miraculous time comes for your baby to arrive, it is up to the parents to make some critical decisions regarding their child's birth. Personally, I advocate the use of ancient Himalayan birthing traditions in which a team of specially trained yaks lick the baby safely and naturally out of the birth canal while a team of shamans sing spirit hymns to ward off bad energies. Once born, the baby is to be placed on a bed made of hay and lavender and covered in a loose swaddle of reindeer pelts.

On the opposite side of the spectrum are those who advocate "unnatural" (or as I like to refer to them "parent-centric") births involving all types of medical machinery, IVs, and pain medication. The worst offenders are the selfish mothers who through their own volition or having been bullied into them by their maniacal god-like doctors, choose to have a c-section. For those unfamiliar, this is a procedure in which the mother is ruthlessly sliced open and her baby torn from her uterus screaming and red faced - the shock of his birth having been permanently etched into his budding psyche, condemning him to a life of anxiety and fear.

Feeding your baby
Most doctors these days advocate breastfeeding as the healthiest way to feed your baby. Not only is breastfeeding cost-effective, it is nutritious, provides your baby with certain immunities and is an excellent way for mother and baby to bond during it's early months.

If, however, you are unable or unwilling to breastfeed, the outlook for little junior is grim indeed. Yet-to-be-published groundbreaking studies show that formula fed babies, while appearing normal during childhood, will ultimately grow up to be deformed social outcasts, roaming the backstreets of their hometown eating garbage and crushing rats to death with their bare hands in a desperate attempt to recreate the properties of their first foods. Yes, formula is made of dried rat brains and garbage and will destroy your child's life before he's even taken his first breath. Formula feeders, you disgust me. Go grind up some rats and stop sullying my book with your selfish, revolting eyes.

Bringing your baby home
Once it is time for you and your child to safely leave the birthing yurt (or under less desirable conditions, the "hospital"), the mother now has a very important job to do. It is essential that the transition from womb to world be as gentle and mild as possible, therefore I strongly advocate that new mothers wrap their babies in swaths of cloth, joining their newborn skin-to-skin with their own chest and leaving them in this wrap until the age of 1 year. You will delight in the bond between yourself and your new baby as you explore the world permanently joined together as one.

Yes, modern (selfish) parents, certain tasks can be difficult to perform while wrapped to your newborn indefinitely. Thankfully, there are products to help. I personally enjoyed using the BabySnorkel Mouth and Nose Shield on my newborn so that I could keep him joined to me during showers, baths and the occasional swim in our local lake. Also, the FreshAire Baby Mask is helpful to place around your infant's face during the times you must use the restroom.

Inevitably, your partner will ask if he or she can hold the baby. At this point, it is acceptable to place your arms around your partner, sandwiching your infant between the two of you in a big, communal hug. Only under these circumstances may your partner interact with the baby, as unwrapping him prematurely from you will result in instant and lifelong psychological scarring.

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