between the click of the light and the start of the dream

September 29, 2011

When I lay down to drift off to sleep I let my mind wander over the events of the day. That part was good. That part we won't talk about. Wait– stop– that part there, that was best. That's the one. Almost always it's a thought of the Jude, a funny conversation, a charmingly wrinkled nose, a new adventure, some precious sunlight.

I'll be the first to admit that I wasn't crazy about having an infant. It was a fine thing and full of promise but I didn't experience that tender panging bell that told my soul, it's love. The days passed and life was good and there was love, certainly, but it wasn't all-consuming.

I stared into the darkness recently and realized that ever so quietly and without my conscious volition love has smacked me upside the head with a sock full of nickels. I love this kid! BAM! Now I have to box them both, the assaulting love for a man and the one for a boy. They work alongside each other in tandem, tag-teaming me into submission. I am yours, both of you. Every thought I have inside me is of being with you. I can hear that bell in my soul not softly chiming like the breath of a docile fawn but screaming demanding pushing clawing us back together. This is the love I was waiting for. It's nice to know it's here.


We walk down the driveway in the blue haze of early evening, my arms holding him up high, his arm draped around my neck. We listen to the crickets chiming in their night song and we close the gate so the dogs can come out and play.

"I your helper, mama."

"Yeah buddy, you are." We walk back arm in arm, the warm lights of our house shining out across the damp grass like lighthouse beacons calling us inside.


I sit on the grouch, couching with my phone in my hand. He sits at the table in front of me, eating grapes and talking about the ABC's. When I look up a minute he's standing at my knee.

"You need a hug."

And I did.


The two of us wait in the car with B and Harlan while Jon runs inside to pick up dinner. We listen to music and think quiet thoughts, snuggled into our separate seats.

"A good day Mama."

"Yeah, it was."

"I tired."

"Bedtime soon, when we get home."

"I love the Dada."

"Me too."

"I LOVE YOU ME TOO, MAMA, and robot people."

And then we laugh.
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