woe are we, we vaginae

September 27, 2011

Sometimes you have to loosen up and let your vagina make a super-sonic wail of whinyness. Nope, no arguments, it's in the contractual details of 'being a woman.' In the section marked, 'Unavoidably Annoying Side Effects.' Promise, check your copy. I keep mine in a special triangular pink envelope tucked up inside there for safe keeping. You may feel like the women around you or even yourself are totally sane and immune from these rumored vagina-caused effects. You are wrong. Be ever vigilant.

These types of womanly outbursts aren't anything to worry about and return to relative sanity can be expected in 24-48 hours. Suggested treatments include ice cream and movies starring Diane Lane, as long as it's not War of the Roses because really, NO, that will absolutely not make you feel better. Stick to that one about Italy.

What you should absolutely not do if you are overcome by vaginal effects is put up a big striped tent in your metaphorical yard and order party favors for the world's largest pity party. I mean I'm down to party but if you let your vagina throw a party it'll think it can do anything. And it can't, really, can it? All it can really do is make that super-sonic whiny wail. Even worse, if all the stars and cycles align just right all the other vaginae in attendance will join in. Irresistible as siren song they'll create a chorus that would shatter the windows in hell. "Woe is me, woe is my vagina.
Woe are we, we vaginae."

The scenario is unpleasant at best, for men and women alike.

All this to say that yesterday I was sad and it was annoying.
And now– I feel much better!*
The End.

kisses xoxoxoxxx,
j grumbly grumblerson

*It helps if you are like, "Hey spouse, I'm sad. Can you help me be unsad?" and they're all, "Well SURE, I had no idea you were feeling that sad. I will be nice to you." and then you're all, "SUPER! That was easy. Now we should eat gyros." but then you don't eat gyros because your power is out and it's the middle of the night and the baby is sleeping. That deserves a pity party.
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