that sounds like idiot talk

December 21, 2011

Last night we were picking up our final Crimblemas accouterments at the store, in the rain, because GOD won't it ever stop raining? The rain! DIE, rain! I asked Siri about it and she was all, "Oh you think this is bad, dude? Wait until Christmas. It's going to be A Wintery Mix up in your piece, and I don't mean a euphemism for sexy relations the way you usually mean it. It's going to rain and then freeze and your dogs will fall down on the deck after their legs whirl here to and fro like spiders in rollerskates. WhoooaAAAooooohh! YOU'RE UPSIDEDOWNTURTLE. It's going to be all kinds of rotten bananas." Go back in your hole, Siri. I don't even know what to do with you right now.

The three of us were standing in the kid's section hunting for possible new crimblejams, a family tradition we started a few years ago. Everyone gets new jim-jams on Christmas eve, ones that haven't been worn to bits in the private parts! Jon was hunting in one direction and I in the other, with our cat somewhere between us trapped in the cart. I bring my cat shopping with me because sometimes it's a boy, but right then it was a cat, a dragon cat, and a screechingly realistic "MRROWWW" could be heard all across the aisles. Still though, I felt more successful than the lady who just abandoned her shrieking kid next to the electronics for the duration of our two hour visit. I'm judging you, at least my cat was happy.

I trotted over to look at the sale racks hot on the hunt for a better price on comfy pants and turned to find myself face to face with a bevy of frilly ruffled shirts and dresses. I was adrift. Against my will I picked up a particularly adorable tiny shirt. It was creamy parchment with slate blue stripes and a little flower sewn on to the shoulder. I thought, "Ooooh, look at that!" as I ran my fingers over the soft fabric. "Wait! Why am I holding this?!" And then I was walking over to Jon, with it still in my hands, like some kind of automaton. "BODY!? What are you DOING?! WHAT IS HAPPENING!?"

"I want this."

And I wanted to stab myself just then, but it was like someone else had control of my body. Maybe I wanted to stab that person, stab them dead.

"They don't make that in your size."

"I know."

And I put it back.

The end.
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