about that one time a guy from my office told me to stop eating cupcakes

April 18, 2012

Monday evening I grabbed my purse from under my desk and headed out the door for home. I strategically balanced a plate with a fluffy little cupcake on it and stepped off the curb into the sunlight. I had bought the cupcake at the charity bake sale that morning and I was super psyched to take it home and feed it to the Jude, because superior mothers occasionally bring home ridiculous treats and then give themselves a high-five.

As I crossed the parking lot out of the corner of my right eye I sensed a big truck creeping along in my shadow. Since I'm always at least vaguely paranoid about being followed in all parking lots I tsked myself and chocked it up to hey jamie, you're being crazy again, cut that shit out. But I wasn't being crazy again, because just as I arrived at my car the truck pulled up next to me and rolled down the closest window.

Fortunately vs. unfortunately, it was someone I recognized and he eagerly leaned across the passenger seat and shouted out the window, "BETTER WATCH YOUR CALORIES, HA HA. HA."

Without blinking I set the cupcake down on top of the car and advanced upon his vehicle with flaming hot lazers spraying out of my eyes. I'm not sure exactly what my intention was, but my fat ass eats trucks for breakfast, buddy, so I suggest you step out of your truck and take a lesson in why you shouldn't fuck with me. He sank back into his seat in fear and sped away. I guarantee that was the only smart thing he did all day.

I expelled my rage out into the universe via twitter, declared, "Huh! Idiot jerk!" and put it firmly behind me, or so I thought until this morning when I found myself standing in front of the coffee maker declining half a cookie because I probably really shouldn't, I mean, look at me, I don't need half a cookie, someone like me shouldn't have treats.

What's more depressing there, that the dude's comment got into my head, that he thought that was a funny joke in the first place, or that our society is so focused on "skinny" that an average woman can be torn down with just four words? It kind of makes me want to cry.

I guarantee that the guy (and I haven't seen him since, though boy am I ever looking forward to THAT awkward elevator ride) thought it was a harmless joke. First things first, I'mma let you finish but that's the lamest joke of all time. Go back to clown school and fail yourself with a kick to the face. More importantly I'm sure he's completely oblivious to the mental dominoes he set in motion.

The inner workings of the female psyche are a vast and unending mystery box and god, when it comes to weight/eating/body image who knows what's going on in there. I am not usually "sensitive," quite the opposite in fact, but HELL YES I take issue with a man following me to my car to offer his "hilarious" judgment on whether or his view needed less padding. (Oh man does it sound a lot creepier when I put it that way. Yay. Hork.)

When Jon started eating healthy and running miles in January out of marital commiseration I also went on a healthy-foods diet. I didn't particularly need to lose any weight, but regardless I'm about ten pounds shy of where I was at Christmas. It's not noticeable to the average viewer (EVIDENTLY, wow) but I have been feeling pretty good about the tops of my muffins.

You'd think that would be a cause for celebration, but instead I just keep thinking it's not enough. Then I think about what an idiot I am for thinking it's not enough– Would it ever be enough? Would something like this still happen if I were better ie thinner? (Undoubtedly the answer to that is yes.) I tell myself if I were smarter I would be able to shake myself out of it and just be happy, but I can't seem to break free from the cycle and the world spins 'round and 'round.

Congratulations, that guy, you're a real jerk.

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