Moms in bikinis– yes or no?

April 20, 2012

Let's talk swimwear, every lady's worst nightmare! Assuming you can find a swimsuit that is A) affordable B) doesn't make you feel like a troll and C) you can actually run around in– oh wait, that never, ever happens. But, here we are again and knowing that the Jude will want to spend a significant amount of time splashing around I am trying to prepare accordingly. Here's my dilemma:

The suit I currently have is (gasp) from our honeymoon. It fits, fancy that, (!!!!) and is actually, a skosh big, 'specially round the bottom parts which gives the ultra-attractive wet-saggy-bottom effect. Here is an approximation of the current ONLY option I have, should I want to enter a water-containing area:

Pretty standard bikini. Whatever. But of course, no one looks like that chick so here's some added realism:

Insert actual hips, arms, pinchy stretch marks. Keep the no boobs, cause, yeah.

(I could probably amplify the butt zone x 2-3 for realism, but you get the point. I've always been BADONKA-DONKIN, and that shit ain't changed. Time to live with it and move on. I hear some people like that. Ahem.)

So like I said, this suit fits me, by all technical standards. Now the debate becomes whether or not it is actually appropriate that I chase a kid around in it. I asked twitter once, and you'd have thought I'd asked if moms should wear thigh high leather boots and dog collars. It was unpleasant, and I was sad. Thanks guys!

I don't know if I'd say it's THAT inappropriate, in fact I don't look completely embarrassing, and that's me with the poor self-esteem saying that. I'm skinnier now than pre-Jude, so by all accounts I should be MORE down to wear it, but just I'm not 100% comfortable. I don't want to be the one walking around the pool and the one lady is leaning over and whispering to her friend, "Gross, she really needs to give that up." Add in the fact that there's no way it could stand up to some good old fashioned pool-wrastlin' water-slidin' belly flops (which is totally the whole point of getting into a pool with little boys anyway), and it's not looking like such a good option.

Let the new suit shopping begin! *Blows brains out*

First, two-piecers:

Let's be honest, how are these any fucking different, especially trouble-zone-coverage wise, than the above? Maybe that high-waist granny-panty one has better tummy control but also, VOMIT. All two-piece suits seem to be variations on the exact same, and if (IF) we've ruled out bikinis for being inappropriate I think that takes ALL of them off the table. One extra inch of strap fabric is not going to magically help anything.

That said, this is the most? acceptable? version of the "more modest" I've seen:

If that silences your judgment versus the above, congratulations Puritan you. It all looks like underwear to me, so I don't acknowledge much difference.

News flash! This:

Not a two piece. Kid yourself all you want. It is two-PIECES of cloth, but coverage-wise it's a freaking one-piece. If it's your jam, fine, but it's not any more trendy because there's a seam 'round the hip zone. To me, this says: I used to wear a bikini, but now I'm sad that I can't, and I don't want to look old in a full one piece, even though that's virtually exactly what I'm wearing. I am within a few months postpartum.

That's probably mean, and that's why buying bathing suits is the worst thing in the universe.

Now, let's gander at the single-piece options:

This is a dress.

This belongs to your Nana.

How was your swim tourney?

Uh okay, just don't get it wet?

Enough said.

Finally, the winners circle-
helping me prospectively not look like a slut or a grandma since 2012:

Unfortunately these fall into the category of YOU WANT HOW MUCH FREAKING DOLLARS FOR WHAT NOW? I only buy one suit every few years so I should probably just suck it up, but frankly I don't have $140 to throw away and if I did I would be using it to buy a gallon of pocky to put into my face. If we spritz water around while it happens maybe we can pretend it's the pool.

In the end, the dilemma remains the same. Save money and suffer through the judging looks from other moms, or pony up for, I don't know, whatever one of those I can stomach? Actual amount of dollars I am prepared to spend on this? ZERO. This is possibly all hypothetical and I will just wear my jeans into the water. Goodbye.

*All this said, of course, swimwear is totally subjective and what will/won't work for someone is influenced by your body type. So if you are pissed because I listed you zip-up-80's suit as one I dislike, by all means ROCK IT. It's just not for me. Don't be mad at ME if you look good in that dress-thing, just prance around like you own the joint. You do.
Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...