super powers

May 25, 2012

I have a super power. I can to tell you that because it's not a power than anyone would want. No need for a disguise or a secret identity here; no evil geniuses are going to be tracking me down to turn my blood into chemical warfare.

Look at it this way– I'm like Sandman. He didn't need a secret identity because who cares that some guy can turn into a mound of kitty litter? He passed as a regular dude most of the time but even if everyone had known about it it's not exactly hot news. What's he going to do, creep into your shoes and be vaguely annoying? Force you to rinse off before you get in the pool? Stink like cat pee? Anyways, I totally hate that guy.

Ugh, yes, THAT GUY.
(The good news for that guy is that he's not this guy:)

This is the face of worst fucking human currently on our planet.

My very sexy super power is being able to fall asleep in the tiny microscopic space between one breath and the next. Imagine one minute we're sitting there talking – look away at the fajitas, now look back – ASLEEP. It's like movie magic, but with a lot less magic and a lot more inconvenient snoring. I'm not even sneaky about it. I should at least put on some thick-framed glasses right before it happens. "Who's that chick? How'd she get here? Why's she asleep? And where did Jamie go?"

Possible solutions:

 7dade33f-a3a6-4269-9bfb-9c956d86c68ahi.all your planets are belong to me.

Perfect. No one will even notice.

The real trouble is that I have no control over it, as opposed to Sandman who I'm assuming can keep himself from dusting up while he's mid-way through pouring a hot cup of coffee because that would get really annoying. I'm not prone to falling asleep while performing standard daily activities but if I have a few calm minutes to not do anything and hey I'll just sit here for a minute and rest– oh hell. I black out and the next thing I know Jon is yelling, "WHAT?! ARE YOU SLEEPING AGAIN?!" As you can probably imagine, this is not his favorite thing about me, as it is #1- decidedly not sexy and #2- really lonely to watch the second half of all the movies by yourself, or so I've heard. A lot of times.

Things have turned around since I recently discovered that knitting keeps my brain occupied enough that it doesn't go into immediate shutdown mode. As long as I remember to pick up my knitting needles after dinner and start moving my hands around in random directions I can manage a pretty good length of being awake and "hanging out" or whatever it is the kids are calling it these days. Just keep knitting, just keep knitting, just keep knitting. We may have ten million hats and socks, but DAMNIT I saw the end of the Night Train to Venice, which is actually more punishment than reward. Do not DOGS recommend.

stitch & bitch. or, stitch & sips. pass the wine.I get distracted and walk around like this all the time. I'm the absentminded professor of knitting.

You know, this is probably not so much a "super power" and more of a "medical condition." Hey, I think they have a name for that or something*.

*True story, in college I once tried to get myself accepted to a sleep disorder study, because I also have hypnopompic sleep paralysis, but I didn't meet the criteria based on my unwillingness to return their phone calls or take handfuls of pills not yet approved by the FDA. But they would have paid me a whole Twenty! Dollars! for my trouble. I/they really missed out. Cover for superhero recruitment facilities? You decide.
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