Instead this morning I flipped over and looked through some of my pictures from last year, hoping to reminisce and insert a few of them to break up the wall-o-text effect. As I clicked through one by one I was flooded with the memory of where each one was taken and how I felt at the time and PUNCH IN THE GUT washed back the fact that I spent a lot of last year in an anxiety-induced haze.
Now, I had a good enough time last year that I'm doing it again, so this isn't to say that Blogher last year was bad. But guys, all those people, all those people. This year they're expecting 4,500 attendees, almost a full thousand more people than last year. Large crowds of strangers make me want to crawl into a hole and scratch my skin off. I spent significant portions of time last year socializing on autopilot while screaming, "AAEEEIIIIIIIIIIEIEIEIIE! AIEIEISISISIS! RED ALERT! DEATH!" inside my head over and over.
I have it together enough to bypass system overload and continue on, so things were fine, but they were fine, not great. I was normal, if not slightly subdued. Times were had, some of them excellent. Since I vividly remember all the good stuff I blocked out the anxiety part of the experience until I flipped through those pictures it was like WHAM POW Hey, I'm back! Remember this? Cool.
Pictures of me from Blogher last year look like someone else standing there wearing my skin, pretending to be me in clothes I would never wear. I don't recall loaning out my human suit, so I think I was actually in there at the time. Now I kind of want to go throw up until I pass out and forget this awesome trip down memory lane. Also, I am wearing a fucking shrug today, to cover my non-office-approved bosom like Shrug Mennonite Jamie. How can I do this, when I'm a person wearing a shrug? Is Shrug Mennonite Jamie a robot too? Is this real life?
Anyway, I'm sure everything will be fine, but I might burn this shrug when I get home and staple my flesh to my legs to make sure it stays put. I have already constructed a perfect plan to make this year's Blogher great instead of fine, consisting of three key points: Knowing what to expect, bringing Jon, and daydrinking until I don't care about strangers and crowds.
Should be super. Hand me a cocktail.
Because it would really be a shame if subdued Jamie showed up again.