8 ways the NFL could make watching football on television more acceptable to me, a human woman

November 12, 2012

It breaks Jon's heart that I don't like watching football, but if we could just take care of a few minor quibbles I think I'm finally ready to get on board stuffing our weekends full of piggy-skinny-tossy testosterone pageantry.

Dear NFL, these are my requests:

1. Everyone shut the fuck up. No, seriously, why is someone constantly flapping their gums? And not only talking, but saying a bunch of nonsense that doesn't mean anything. "By golly, he's on a whirl!" "That was nearly close to awesome!" "He's really been revving it hard out there on the rope!" "Fishsticks that was a wacky drive train!" Call down the whooshing silent avalanche of shuteth upeth and stick it in your pasty, wrinkly oxygen deprived faces. Oh and for God's sake learn to pronounce everyone's names, there aren't THAT many of them out there.

2. RUN. RUN AROUND. RUN FROM PLACE TO PLACE. Run fast like little tv cheetahs, don't do that slow half-assed jog that makes your thighs flap around. Last time I checked this was supposed to be some kind of athletic rodeo. Quit standing around, walking placidly from station to station, and using your grammy's handwarmers underneath the patio heater during commercial breaks while you sip on your pussy tea with electrolytes. GO. RUN.

3. HURRY UP, this is taking too damn long. One play - commercial break. One play - commercial break. The margin of watching people do anything remotely interesting is even more miniscule than the painfully crippled amount of "celebrating" they allow to be shown in a fascist statement against enjoyment of life. Football would be more enjoyable if there was actually football to watch, which is why it isn't named "Commercialtimeoutball" or "ChattyKathyball."

4. MORE LAUGHING. MORE DANCING. After all, we wouldn't want this "game" to be "fun" or anything, that would really put a kink in the schedule of 10 hours of product placement and the interminable useless commentary on nothing significant by men in ugly ties and that one token chick-host they occasionally show walking around on the field in ear muffs and the boots with the fur, AND WE WOULDN'T WANT THAT NOW WOULD WE?

5. I don't care about chicks singing country music, or aggressive graphics depicting lazer lines zooming across the team name, or the doritos nacho verizon beer-bowl flossy tossy contest. Cut that shit out. Allocate that section of the budget to a series of treadmills surrounding the field and force the strings on the bench to leap from treadmill to treadmill in the circuit around the field. Isn't that show Wipe Out popular or something? Just take all those empty, brain-killing spaces and do that instead. BOOM! Entertainment explosion! 

6. Butts. You'd think this would be a shoe-in, what with all the tighty-pantsies, but half the dudes out there are solid lumps of uncooked biscuit that shouldn't be wearing leggings in public cause them sluts agunna get shamed. Good butts, however, would be a scenic attraction on our road trip through Pepsi's product placement playland. I don't even like butts that much but when I get that bored I'll take what I can get. Maybe zoom in a little. A little more. Now wiggle the camera around. Yeeeeah, that's the stuff. Real nice.

7. ButtCam™.

8. XpressNachoDelivery™.

with love,

your new fan Jamie
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