lover, never fuck without a rubber

January 14, 2013

laughing bananas

Fact: I tell Jude that if you throw trash on the ground the police will come and take you to jail. Is there a lazier, more tacky crime than deliberately throwing trash onto the ground? No. No there is not. It's criminal, if you ask me, and sometimes someone does and that's exactly what I say.

I'm one of those nutty whack-jobs who think lying to kids is bad and to be avoided in nearly all cases. If you want to tell your kid that candy is made of poisonous farts and broccoli is a "special treat" knock yourself out, but then again I'm the lady who told my 2 year old, "Your fish is dead." and he said, "Okay." and turned around and walked into the other room. I can get away with that kind of directness because my kid is nearly as analytical as I am. There are some advantages to being part robot, including but not limited to go-go-gadget arms. I suppose it's not that easy for some people.

I sometimes catch myself midway through telling Jude that people who ride motorcycles without helmets also go directly to jail, which also isn't the truth (but should be), and then I mentally reprimand myself for being such a lying liarface and picture an angry, 20-year-old Jude shaking his accusatory finger in my face.

"You LIED to me, mother. You told me that littering was illegal. You told me I'd drop dead if I stuck my arms out the car window. YOU TOLD ME YOU'D ALWAYS BE THERE," he yells, while I tighten my plastic headscarf and curl up inside my frozen, shallow grave and fall asleep. I don't know, whatever old people do when they mess up their kids and accidentally ruin their lives.

We're all indoctrinating our spawn in one way or another, at least my inadvertent agenda cuts down on litter and certain death. In the grand scheme of things that's barely even a lie anyway! You can totally be ticketed for littering and if you racked up a few thousand in unpaid fines and then got drunk and bopped a police officer in the gumballs they'd certainly haul you off to jail for at least 30 excruciatingly painful minutes before they ran out of space in the drunk-tank and sent you home.

Littering: It's the first step down the slippery slope to punching policemen and JAIL FOREVER UNTIL YOU DIE OF DEATH. Beware, children, listen to your auntie grumbles.
Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...