go home pinterest, you are so goddamn drunk

April 30, 2013

ice cream cone seedlings

How to start your seeds in twee little ice cream cones like you're the Zooey Deschanel of gardening, a real life primer in just 20 easy steps!

1. Put on a full-skirt cotton polka-dot dress, apron, and heels, or the pajamas you've worn the last three days.

2. Carefully arrange 75 ice cream cones on trays all over your deck.

3. Futily attempt to keep wind from blowing over formations of cones.

4. Use a measuring cup to fill each cone with mixed soil types 3 / 5.

5. Divide into groups by plant type and lable each cone with permanent marker.

seeds for garden, festival of seeds!

6. Plant your seeds like a carefully tending mother hen! Grow, my darlings, grow! Mommy loveums yous! Do not attempt to nurture cones with the warmpth of your butt.

7. Gently dribble a dime's worth of water into the center of each cone.

8. Watch as cones begin to slump alarmingly to one side. Suddenly remember that ice cream cones turn to mush when they get wet.

9. Run around the deck screaming and desperately trying to corrale the avalance of ice cream cones tipping over and pouring precious seeds and dirt all over the ground.

10. Cry.

11. Move surviving, mushy cone globs into cooking trays WITH SIDES.

12. Relocate to sunny spot. Ignore for several days.

13. Check in and notice cone globs have accumulated an alarming amount of mold.

14. Do nothing.

15. Devotedly tend your black mold farm for many more days. Cry.

16. SUCCESS! SEEDLINGS EMERGE FROM THE MOLD FARM!

seedlings
world of seed babies

17. Attept to tell seedlings apart. All labels are now fully obscured by the onslaught of creeping mold.

18. Escort cones outside. Plant at random.

19. Watch out the window as idiot dog immediately runs outside and consumes all seedlings/moldy ice cream cone tummy treats.

20. Congratulations! THANKS PINTEREST!

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