9 Unsuccessful Habits of Highly Neurotic People

July 26, 2013

Become convinced that one of your shoes makes a louder sound than the other when you walk, and that other people hear it too and are silently glaring at you, judging that one of your feet is noisier than the other and you're now know as 'that loud walking girl, CLOP CLOP CLOP.' Halting stumble around the area, attempting to walk with emphasis on the opposite foot to counteract the sound difference. Fall down.

When forced to sit with your back to a doorway, spend the entire time unable to move, consumed with fear that someone will sneak up behind you and surprise you. Look over your shoulder every 27 seconds for 8 hours and/or until you get dizzy and forget what you were doing in the first place. Fall down.

Refuse to pull up directly next to another vehicle at a stoplight because you can't stop a little movie from playing in your head where the other driver looks over at you, makes eye contact, pulls out a gun, and shoots at you through the window. Stagger all driving positions for mental "safety." Get out of the car. Fall down.

Think about the drinking fountain. Think about the drinking fountain. Think about the drinking fountain. Turn the corner and look up just in time to avoid running into another person, turning the corner in the opposite direction. Become so surprised that you lose control of your limbs and spring backwards onto the floor. Fall down.

Teach your child that throwing trash on the ground is illegal. Wait until they accidentally drop something out the car window and then call them a litterer. When they ask what is going to happen to the trash say, "It's going to hurt an animal." and when they ask what kind of animal say, "A raccoon or a deer." And then when they ask, in tears, if the police are coming say, "Yeah, probably." Fall down.

Get laid off from your job and turn into a robot with a brain made of wires, devoid of the ability to express human emotions except a deep, abiding desire to go camping. Pretend it's not happening. Forget how to communicate outside your own mind. Fall down.

Sleep with one eye open, clutching your pillow sort of loosely because you're half-asleep, but not near the edge of the bed because that would be DANGEROUS WHAT, ARE YOU CRAZY?! PS your one eye is really red you should do something about that. Roll out of bed. Fall down.

Decide that if you ever own an airplane you'll name it 'THE ROBOCOPTER.'

Invest in a good helmet. You'll need it.

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